Family and friends

Many people feel they want support from friends and family, but the people around them may not know how to give it. The best strategy is often to ask for the kind of support you want, for example by saying, "I don't want suggestions, I want your support." Many people with infertility have had the experience of a friend saying, "Why don't you just adopt?" This is a sensitive issue for many people with infertility, and explaining that may help your friend understand. When people do make insensitive remarks, it may help to remember that their comments are usually well-intentioned; they aren't trying to hurt you.

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It's a good idea to think ahead of time about what to tell different friends and families. For example, if you have a friend who says hurtful things without thinking, you might not want to tell him too many details about your infertility. Someone who is usually more supportive might be better able to handle this milestone in your life, too. Or you may choose not to tell anyone about the treatment and to find another way to deflect questions about why you don't have children.

Parents can sometimes be unsupportive without realizing it, by unconsciously putting stress on the couple. Just questions about when to expect grandchildren can make couples feel stressed or even angry. It may help to promise you'll let them know if there is any good news.

One useful tip: Try to avoid being specific about dates of treatment. For example, if you tell everyone you're going to find out if you're pregnant on December 2 and the procedure fails, you may not want to spend the evening on the phone telling everyone that.

It isn't unusual for couples who use donor eggs or sperm to end up wishing they had told fewer people, so it may be wise to be cautious with this information. You can always give vague answers to questions about how you got pregnant, or refuse to answer the question--"My husband and I have decided that now that we're pregnant, we're not looking back." "We had great doctors and that's where we're leaving it." Overall, if you feel comfortable with the treatment you had, and you present yourself that way, people will probably follow your lead.

At work, you are legally protected from having to share your diagnosis with your employer. You may want to tell your boss and coworkers that you're having some medical treatments done, but make sure it's clear that you don't have cancer or terminal illness. Infertility treatment requires so many appointments that your coworkers may think you are seriously ill.