2. Find a mentor
Not just a companion, but a trusted medical guide
Multiple mentors. The role of medical mentor is by no means exclusive. It makes sense that there can be different guides for different phases of the journey. Early on, Sweeting called on another mentor, Jane Pfeiffer, who lived nearby. She asked Pfeiffer, a close friend of her late mother, to help her find the right doctors. The 72-year-old, plainspoken and full of common sense, had had her own experience with cancer. She, too, was a survivor and had just lost her husband to the disease. Through her past roles as a communications executive, she had many connections in the world of medicine. In a matter of hours, she brought Sweeting several contacts, which led her to the Cleveland Clinic in Florida and her cancer treatment team. Pfeiffer would call or visit regularly, always the thoughtful sounding board and cheerleader.
Nor must mentors be limited to your circle of friends. When her treatments were successfully completed, Sweeting was uncertain about proceeding with breast reconstruction. Her real-estate agent at the time happened to mention that his wife was a veteran of breast cancer treatment and was part of an informal group of about 40 women with similar experiences who lived in their small community of Rio Vista. Sweeting called her and got phone numbers of a few women who had opted for reconstruction.
Sweeting is a private person, not easy putting personal questions to a stranger. That changed. Betsy Keller arrived with food and a bottle of wine, and they sat chatting for quite some time on her front porch. At one point her new friend ripped off her shirt and said, "Here's what mine looks like." The reconstruction actually looked pretty good to Sweeting. "'I can live with that,' I thought."
Mentors are a special breed; it's not a job for everyone. One can be loving and kind and be wholly unsuited to mentoring. It calls for a kind of detachment, demanding that mentors keep their own interests and emotions in check. Know-it-alls also need not apply, for mentors are guides and not there to control or make decisions on behalf of the patient. They help lay out the specs of the journey and weigh its risks and rewards. Sometimes it's just a matter of being there, available.
How can you find someone like that, someone with qualities so singular and special? Most times, such a person is already part of your life, if you only ask--and he or she doesn't have to live nearby; there's always the phone or E-mail. As Sweeting learned, formal or informal groups are also there to be tapped--good neighbors, a community center, your religious congregation. The mentor is often someone who had a similar illness but might be a nurse or doctor or someone schooled in health matters.
Sooner or later, we are all patients facing the maze of medical choices. Agonizing over the paths that offer themselves becomes far more manageable if considered with the counsel of a mentor, wise and trusted.
Who's a mentor?
It is no easy thing to be a mentor. A good one is:
Informed and experienced. Previously dealt with similar medical issues.
Trustworthy. Privacy is paramount.
Available. Willingly and easily reachable almost anytime.
A good, gentle listener. Understands the patient's vulnerability and mind-set.
Empathetic but objective. Keeps own emotions in check.
Never dictates. Guides, not steers.
Expects nothing in return. Mentoring is a mitzvah.
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