Best Hospitals 2007
Love her tender
When breast cancer strikes the woman in his life, a man needs a crash course in caregiving
His boss began asking for documentation. "He probably was thinking this guy has got to be screwing off," Robert says. His wife's doctor wrote a letter of support saying that "a spouse or loved one's involvement is key to recovery." Nonetheless, memos went into Robert's file, and at one point his pay was docked. Eventually, he filed a discrimination complaint--he was the only Puerto Rican agent in the division and felt that anti-Latino sentiment played into the situation. "There was a settlement," he says. "I'm not supposed to talk about it. But I felt vindicated by the settlement."
Robert has a lot of guts. The Family and Medical Leave Act should guarantee you the right to accompany a spouse on appointments about cancer, but once you file a complaint, you risk poisoning the atmosphere at work beyond repair.
That's why some breast cancer husbands keep their wife's disease a secret, using sick days or personal days so they can attend important appointments and calling on family and friends to lend a hand. "I used to recommend that everybody be honest, at least with their immediate supervisors," says Hester Hill Schnipper, chief of oncology social work at Boston's Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and author of After Breast Cancer: A Common-Sense Guide to Life After Treatment. "I think that's mostly true, but I understand that there are some workplaces where that is a mistake because of job security." She does offer a cautionary note, though: "Think about why you're not disclosing. Is it because you're embarrassed or because they'll screw you at work if they know?"
Touching. Breast cancer takes a toll in the bedroom--a topic that doctors seldom broach. Typically, men are nervous about recommencing sex after surgery. They're afraid. Can I touch this? Can I do that? Will I hurt my wife? "There's a real possibility for a downward spiral," says Beth Meyerowitz, a professor of psychology and preventive medicine at the University of Southern California who does research on cancer survivors and their partners. The husband may think, "I'm not going to focus on the breast. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to make her feel it's the most important thing."
The wife, meanwhile, may think, "He's not touching my chest the way he used to. He must be disgusted." So she pulls away. And he thinks he made overtures too soon. Mary Jane Massie, a psychiatrist who sees breast cancer patients at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York City, tells them, "If the man is avoiding sex, it is often because he is frightened. Take your husband's hand and put it on your chest. Tell him, 'If you touch here and here, it doesn't hurt. But here it's a little tender.'"
The husband whose wife has metastatic disease faces a very different set of circumstances. Metastatic disease means that the cancer that began in the breast has spread, or metastasized, typically hitching a ride in the bloodstream or lymphatic system and then finding a hospitable home elsewhere in the body. There are statistics about survival rates: Typically, a patient lives two to three years after a diagnosis of metastatic disease. About 1 in 3 women lives for five years. One in 10 survives a decade or more.
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