Good Parents, Bad Results

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the best way to raise children is with the bible.

jonathan of CA 6:58PM April 21, 2010

We raised all three of our children in church, and as teenagers they were very active in the church youth group. I have just observed over the years with all three of them that they are precious angels in elementary school and a great joy, they begin to be mouthy, bratty in middle school, and it just seems like high school they become demons - lying, deceiving, experimenting -- all to our absolute astonishment and shock. We have never smoked or drank in front of them, and tried to live the best we possibly could as law abiding citizens who love God. (We even took an 18 week parenting class when our children were young just to improve our parenting skills).
Honestly, had we of known what we know now I think we would of just had pets, and volunteered our spare time in an orphanage...

Lana of CA 8:48PM April 18, 2010

I remember reading an article years ago about a case in a small town where a church-run child care center was charged with abuse. On his first day at the center, a nine-month-old baby came home with bruises on his rear. The mother called the police. During the trial, a child-development specialist was brought in to testify, and the defense lawyer portrayed him as a non-Christian big-city liberal nut job trying to tell these good people how to raise their kids. The defense quoted "Spare the rod and spoil the child." According to the child care center, the director (also the pastor of the church) had spanked the baby because he disobeyed repeated commands to stop crying!
Here's where the specialist refused to get drawn into a cultural or religious debate. He didn't argue over whether spanking is or is not an appropriate disciplinary technique. He explained that a nine-month-old baby is at the height of separation anxiety and is not developmentally able to stop crying on command. He also reminded the court that no matter what the age of the child, any spanking that leaves visible bruises seven hours later is simple child abuse.
That church gave Christianity a bad name. All Christians know that God wants parents to "bring up children in the way that they should go." Many Christians know that it's possible to discipline children without hitting them. And most Christians who do spank their children know the difference between discipline and abuse. Those who use "Spare the rod and spoil the child" as a justification for child abuse will learn how wrong they are when they meet Jesus, who treasures children.

Rev. Carrie Mook Bridgman of GA 5:01PM April 16, 2010

I had the honor of having my 3 nieces a majority of the time as their single mom worked nights. When they lost the privelege of evening tv in the back bedroom, I did not give a specific time of loss. I told them when they could demonstrate the opposite behavior of what caused it to be taken away (fighting, yelling & carrying on in that room at bedtime), then the remote would reappear & the cable box restored. For several evenings I was asked, can we turn it back on. There would be no lecture or arguing as I would simply ask, "Do you think you've behaved apppropriately?" To which they would reply that they hadn't yelled. A gentle reminder of going in the opposite direction would be to actually be polite to their sister. After a few times, they didn't ask anymore & I noticed they were actually being civil & helpful around bedtime. I then restored the TV privileges & commented that I appreciated the new attitude & behavior & that I was proud of how nice they were to their sisters. The problem did not resurface (in my home anyway). How it's going w/ their mother is a whole different story.

J of TX 2:47PM April 16, 2010

What does the message, "you are bad so I am going to hurt you" say to a child? I have two relatively well-behaved children and neither was spanked as I can't imagine raising a hand to a child! I once saw a mother in a store say, "if you don't stop I'm going to pop you" (the child was hitting his sibling)--the message here, stop hitting or I will hit you...is that effective?
I find it amazing that people question whether well-controlled studies are accurate. The researchers noted in the article know what they're doing and don't need their own children to research the effects of discipline in others...look at the testimonials-this works.
Unfortunately the children you are hitting today are tomorrow's bullies. "Addressingtheheart" do you really hit your child with love? Are you kidding me? So love=physical violence...not very healthy. I am not sure this is a positive way of changing a child's heart. How does he see you and your heart when you are hurting him? (it need not leave a mark to hurt)

kelly of FL 2:07PM April 16, 2010

The researchers are so concerned with changing behavior and that is all. I can change the behavior of my children much more effectively by spanking them in a consistent manner than any timeout would accomplish. The study that was performed doesn't seem to account for how the parents spanked their children...whether it was done in haste with anger, or in love taking the time to explain what the child is being punished for. The real issue is to address the heart of the child and why the child must change their heart, not only behavior. This is way beyond any study I've seen and a mere timeout with a few positive words of encourage goes nowhere here. The discipline of children is a complex subject and these researchers like to think they have it figured out.

Mike of MI 12:58PM April 16, 2010

Do any of these people that writes this stuff or do these studies have kids? And if so,what are their kids like????

smartmart of OR 11:24AM April 16, 2010

I am the mother of 3 young children who are polite and well behaved. I have received compliments on their behavior from strangers and they have never been spanked. I have used many of the suggestions in this article, and they have been very effective. The key is consistency. discipline needs to be implemented EVERY time the rule is broken. If you remove a toy, the child is punished for however long you keep the toy. If you spank, the child is only punished for the 2 minutes that their butt stings .

Tami of IA 9:19AM April 16, 2010

What is wrong with these kids today? They talk back to their parents and elders. They get in trouble and expect their parents or friend's parents to bail them out rather than take responsibility for their actions. The kids today are so rude, obnoxious, and disrespectful not like when I was young.
Socrates (died in 399 BC)
Kids in general will always be rude, obnoxious, and disrespectful. It was true in Socrates' day and in the 21st century. Why? Because they are young and immature not because they're not getting beat enough.

Socrates2010 of MI 6:05AM April 16, 2010

What we do in our homes affects larger society, whether or not we want to take responsibility for our actions. When I try to do my best, my children appreciate the effort. That means taking time, working on maintaining the relationship and allowing God to work through me in my children's lives. When I decide to sit down and make art with them I am saying to them, "I love you" "You are valuable" and I am sharing myself with you. I am giving you my most precious gift - not plastic toys or new dvd's - my time and my energy. When I get selfish and think of my time, rush my kids through their daily routines, just so I can get somewhere on time, I am taking away their learning experiences. When I don't balance their activities with enough outside time, park time, time for them to run around and burn off their energy, that's the time that conflicts occur. If I am not present to teach (and learn, too!), then I cannot complain about the outcome. Walking away from conflict situations is important. I know that I will not fix anything by my will alone. Prayer is very helpful!
I was also abused as a child, but that does not give me the right to abuse my children. In fact, that is good reason to search myself and work with God (and a therapist) to clean myself of the old debilitating ways of raising children and work for something better.

starshine of CA 2:21AM April 16, 2010