Can Your Relationship Survive ADHD?

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At this stage I am so frustrated. Page after page I find tells me that as the non-adhd partner it is my full responsibility to understand, to adjust my approach... I feel I should be omniscient to have my marriage survive. While my partner is to be understood and excused and cushioned, I am to tackle all problems (we have no funds to "hire" help), become a pocket organizer (in spite of my own poor memory for which I have developed strategies), become a two person brain so life's tasks are handled... He is entitled to his feelings but on the other hand, I am to reassure myself that this horrible feeling of having so suddenly become unattractive to my husband is invalid, so easily, as if it was actually easy. There is no room for our needs, it is all about fulfilling the needs of the ADHD partner. Someone, for the love of god, write an article with information as to how an ADHD spouse can develop strategies to carry his or her own end of a relationship. It is not only his confidence, after 2 years of this mine is so shattered I can't even lift my head, everything hurts, I did all you people suggest, counseling, reading, learning,..his life keeps getting better with me putting all I can into it, and I sink...he cannot even see me sink.

Annbe of PA 1:58PM April 23, 2013

Thought you might get some good tips from this article - Nan

Colleen Schrandt of HI 8:38PM January 13, 2011

After reading the post, I see symptoms found in both my wife and I. More important I guess is both my sons have been diagnosed with ADHD. They both are extremely athletic and have done and still do well in school. Problem we're facing now is, my oldest son is starting to lose focus e.g. not finish homework assignments. He just seems overwhelmed when given the assignments and just doesn't do them or finish them. Crazy thing is he blows the Standardized test out of the water, and did really well on his PSAT this year. We have since enrolled him in SYLVAN to help him with planning and organizing assignments so that he doesn't get that "overwhelmed" feeling. It's quite that he has the aptitude to do the assignments, it's just a matter of staying focused. I've always been against the meds and I still hold firm to that. My wife on the other hand, sort of pushed the meds thing. Years ago, I briefly allowed my wife and our pediatrician to convince me to put my oldest son on meds. It didn't go well at all. Second day that he was on meds, he slapped another student while riding on the school bus. Very, very uncharacteristic of my son....I immediately threw those pills into the trash can, never to introduce them to either of my children again! My wife thinks that I'm in denial because I'm against the meds, I'm all for exercise and keeping my sons active. They are outstanding players in soccer, football, track and any sport we put them in it seems. I guess I'm just venting. I'm not sure how to approach my wife with the question of which one of us has ADHD. My wife forgets a lot of stuff, she never completes anything of late, leaves stuff all over the house. In my opinion she's worse than the boys :-(. How do you tell you wife that? I love her and I've become much more excepting. Growing up we never left items laying astray in the house....clothing drawers were not left open with items hanging out :-). Things I see and deal with everyday from EVERYONE else in my house ha ha ha. But I love them all, and I just clean up after them. Somebody talk to me.

hoopalot1 of HI 4:07PM December 30, 2010

i believe my husband has adhd. he won't seek diagnosis. i used to be the person that you could set a clock by, always was neat and tidy, never forgot anything. but after all these years of being told to keep up, having responsibility upon responsibility shoved upon me, i believe that i now have developed a form of adhd. i forget just about everything, i'm always late for everything, and my house is almost always unkept. and it irritates the hell out of me. i just can't keep focused on anything anymore, it's very difficult to stay focused on one project until it's finished. i was never that way before. also, my husband has the "my way or the highway" approach to just about anything, no matter how i phrase it. it just won't fly. he's always late, he always several projects going at the same time, some get finished eventually, and he's always very spontantious, by not always in a good way. it's really been tough, and i hate not being allowed to focus on one project until completion, without be ing told that i must start some other task.

Susan of TX 9:33AM November 02, 2010

once broke up over an exclamation point! ;^)
- Balkingpoints / www

Reg373 of OH 5:13PM October 03, 2010

Thank you for bringing attention to this topic. It is not a new one but it is one that more people seem ready to learn about now that the economy has removed the financial cushion that many formerly enjoyed.
For many years, during the go-go economy, some experts exploited this situation for their own aggrandizement by touting ADHD as a gift, one even shamelessly going as far as calling the partners of adults with ADHD "sadistic and controlling." In short, blaming the relationship problems on the partner who was too rigid to enjoy their ADHD partners' "gifts."
While certainly it is important to balance the public image of adults with ADHD (not all disorder and not all gift), it is even more important to honestly acknowledge the very real risk factors of untreated ADHD. They go far beyond divorce and absentee parenting; they include higher risk of traffic accidents, substance use disorders, on-the-job accidents, obesity, unemployment, bankruptcy, and more.
In short, this is not simply an issue of "accommodating differences" and "honoring diversity."
Your article concludes this way:
"Seek a proper diagnosis—and appropriate treatment. Most deal-breaking problems arise when ADHD is unidentified or untreated. Once aware that a certain behavior is a symptom of an actual condition, you'll learn to respond to it differently. Instead of feeling hurt and angered by your partner's inattentiveness, for instance, start scheduling one-on-one time to focus on each other."
All well and good. Trouble is, proper diagnosis and treatment is not widely available. And, in many cases, it's going to take a lot more effort and education than "scheduling one-on-one time to focus on each other." When ADHD symptoms are mild and incomes are high, that might work. Otherwise, you risk a lot.
Most family physicians and even many psychiatrists are not well-trained in evaluating for and treating ADHD. It typically takes both partners working as a team to not only identify competent care providers but to work with them. There are many health issues associated with ADHD, too, such as Restless Legs Syndrome and Sleep Apnea, which many physicians will not know to link to ADHD.
In short, this is not just a challenge for couples therapy.
Gina Pera, author
Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?

Gina Pera of CA 5:47PM October 01, 2010

The challenges of having a husband _and_ child with ADHD, but not having the disorder myself can get really strenuous. I learned really early on, in both relationships, "Pick Your Battles". Yes, you have a shoe rack to put shoes on. Is it -really really- important to have that done? I live with a little constant state of clutter, but we are all a lot more relaxed since we decided to only focus on what -had- to be focused on. Medication only fixes so much, it's all in the routines and the patterns. That will save your life. Remember, marriage is about compromise, and just because they forget, doesn't mean it's broken! Relax, plan ahead, work together. It will always make life more easy if you just accept it. Going on nearly 20 years with my husband, and I never made a finer choice than he in my life, no matter our frustrations.

Sil of TX 2:11PM October 01, 2010

Thanks for the article. I felt exactly the same way with everything stated. I felt unloved and nonextistence at times. I am actually thinking of breaking off the relationship and going back to being friends. My life is going in a different direction as his. He's young and I'm 23, he being 19 years of age I am looking to pursue different things in my life like going back to school and being single is just better for me at the moment. How do I tell him that the relationship is over without him going crazy over how much he thinks he failed at the relationship? We have talked about how his ADHD has been making everything more complicated than it should be. I know that I add to the frustration as I feel that I have very little patience with ADHD behaviors. I don't think neither of us are ready for more longer dating. What do you think?

F.A. of UT 4:35PM September 30, 2010

I'm soon to turn 62 and realized I had ADD when it was diagnosed in my oldest son. I could write a book on the subject now but one major impact that understanding my condition has had on me is knowing why I was the kind of kid I was. I had an extremely hard time in school and was pressured constantly to try harder. I did try harder but never did what "they" expected of me. I somehow made it through a 2 year college and got a job. That lasted 2 years and then, in my garage I started my own manufacturing business. I could bounce from one task to another and back again, it was great. Thirty years later my wife and have a very successful manufacturing company 12 employees and no thoughts of retiring. I take a very small dose of Adderall which really helps. I married the perfect person for a guy like me. Feet squarely on the ground a total realist and the patience of a saint. I lucked out. I'll say it again, knowing that I have ADD is the bonus. Be kind to the ADD'ers they're great people.

Frank Keefe of MA 4:29PM September 30, 2010

Thank you for this article. I am constantly seeking information on ADHD because my husband suffers from it. I am happy to say, he does not take any medication and manages to be a happy individual. I have taken on the tasks of paying the bills and keeping a calendar for both of us so that he doesn't forget his future appointments. He often feels overwhelmed, but I always try to help him break down the tasks and projects with him. I think continuous support is the key to a good relationship with the ADHDers.. :)

Andy of CA 3:18PM September 30, 2010