Francine Russo on Caring for Your Aging Parents

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Relationships take work I especially like the way Francine looks at the Twilight family as another phase of the life of the family. Moving out of the parent home is not the end of the parent and sibling relationship. Our parents for the most part are living longer and this is really the first generation that has had so many elderly that are living longer it is a new frontier for our society. I really enjoyed the book and have been recommending it to all my clients looking for help with their elderly parents. our resource is www.ASilverConnection.com

Pat O'Dea-Evans of IL 11:15AM February 27, 2010

I learned from this article. I will get the book.

Facing the realities of life itself can be so painful for all of us at one time or another in our lives. We can pretend that everything will always be ok, or like it used to be, but we're only fooling ourselves.

I'm going through some things in my life as I write that proves everything that Francine has written to be true. We will all do ourselves a favor if we face the realities of life and do what we can now to make later a little easier.

It's not easy for any of us to admit that one day things will not be so wonderful, and that we will lose people that we love so very much. Facing reality is not something we want to do, but what we ALL MUST DO and it hurts!!!!

In it together,

Dyan

Dyan Raymond of GA 5:04PM February 09, 2010

I am a family transition coach who specializes in working with adult children and their aging parents. I have heard Francine interviewed and have read the book. It is an excellent resource and I plan to recommend it to my clients. As one of the other commenters said, there are professionals out there (transition coaches, care managers, social workers, mediators, elder law attorneys) who are well versed in helping families make the best decisions around these issues, and it is often the presence of an objective third party facilitator that gets things "unstuck". In my experience, families wait too long to get help, because they think that things will go back to "normal" after the immediate crisis is resolved. With aging parents, that is not the case. Caregiving is usually for the long haul, and the "new normal" may not last for more than days or weeks. Planning in advance, WITH your parents, is the best way to avoid many of the issues that we find ourselves in.

Kudos, Francine!

-- Sheri Samotin, www.LifeBridgeSolutions.com

Sheri Samotin of FL 9:16AM February 04, 2010

Hmm... JSofWY you're actually being unfair to both sisters. I doubt Francine's sister was either weak or foolish. She was busy taking care of her mother. As for Francine, as someone one who was out of town and far removed from the daily care, it is hard to get an accurate picture of what's really going on with her mother if it's not properly communicated. And not everyone knows how to do that. There are changes that are subtle with long term illnesses that are often not revealed by intermittent visits. It's an emotional, difficult time for everyone.

I do however applaud the accuracy of your signature.

Charlie of IL 1:56AM February 02, 2010

It seems some of the comments already illustrate the need for such a book !

Why do some people just have to hate and react with spite ... human nature or learned behavior? Until we ALL learn to forgive and the meaning of unconditional love, there will always be an increasing need such strange new occupations as "geriatric care manager"! End of the family as we knew it I guess.

JON 1:30AM January 31, 2010

As much as we wish it were different, family roles for the most part are cut in stone. This is not a lament but simply a fact. Birth order, hair color, personality type, and timing all cast us in a role from our earliest years that follows like a shadow. If we start out as the outsider, the favorite, or the conscientious one, that’s were you will usually find us at sixty. How we feel about this is less important then its tactical significance. Knowing this fact about family systems allows us important choices when we find ourselves in an involuntary alliance with our siblings to address the predictable dilemmas of our aging parents dilemmas. How?

First, it allows us to stop trying to change our siblings who for the most part really resent us for having the audacity to think that we need to “fix” them. Most of us have been trying this from childhood with poor results.

Second, it allows us to accurately access to what our siblings will and will not do. While we may think guilt, shame, anger, and manipulation can help us to get them to carry their weight, this strategy never works in the long run. Even worse, it takes a heavy toll on us and them. Better to be blunt and admit that if their contribution is zero, then zero it is and move on.

Lastly, it allows us to invest our time and money in creating a non-family support system for our aging parents. One of the essential strategies for being successful with our aging parents is a concerted, relentless effort to piece together a support system. It is journey filled with false starts, dead ends, and false hopes. But it is also a journey of numbers. A steady, disciplined effort at building relationships yields good people, people that our aging parents need in their lives. This should be the logo on the T-shirt of every adult child working with an aging parent: steady effort.

If you are blessed with cooperative, helpful, and collaborative siblings count your blessings and let them know how much they mean to you. If your siblings abandon you to fend for yourself, then use the occasion to enhance your networking skills. Either way, you get the friendships, support, and resources you need to deliver a “steady effort.”

David Solie, MS, PA of CA 8:22PM January 30, 2010

Francine's sister sounds like a weak and foolish woman to put up with Francine's neglect of their mother. Yeah, wow, now that their mother is dead, Francine feels bad that she didn't do much and that she treated her sister like the doormat she is. BFD.

And as if that weren't bad enough, now she is attempting to cash in on how she exploited her own sister! How appallingly tacky and immoral! Even if the book is good I would NOT buy it because it was written by a horrible person!

Judgemental Snob of WY 11:04PM January 29, 2010

My 91 year old frail blind mother now lives in a facility. She is dependent on her children for comfort. Of eleven children, eight live in the vicinity of my mother. Our viewpoints of my mother's situation range from a visit a month is enough to she needs our company multiple times a week. There is a distancing between us because of our diffferent beliefs, but coming to an agreement as to what our individual responsibility towards our mother is has proved impossible. My hope is that hard feelings will be forgotten and reconnection can be made in the future, when my mother is in a better place.

Jan Heinen

LiftChairReviews.com

Jan Heinen 8:08PM January 29, 2010

Wow, I think it's wonderful that you were able to write this book from the perspective of a sibling who WASN'T as involved, and recognizes that. That awareness and humility will go a long way in healing rifts between siblings. Thank you for your honesty, and your desire to make a difference. It's never too late!

Melanie Jongsma of IL 9:42AM January 29, 2010

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