Francine Russo on Caring for Your Aging Parents

I learned from this article. I will get the book.

Facing the realities of life itself can be so painful for all of us at one time or another in our lives. We can pretend that everything will always be ok, or like it used to be, but we're only fooling ourselves.

I'm going through some things in my life as I write that proves everything that Francine has written to be true. We will all do ourselves a favor if we face the realities of life and do what we can now to make later a little easier.

It's not easy for any of us to admit that one day things will not be so wonderful, and that we will lose people that we love so very much. Facing reality is not something we want to do, but what we ALL MUST DO and it hurts!!!!

In it together,

Dyan

Dyan Raymond of GA 5:04PM February 09, 2010

Hmm... JSofWY you're actually being unfair to both sisters. I doubt Francine's sister was either weak or foolish. She was busy taking care of her mother. As for Francine, as someone one who was out of town and far removed from the daily care, it is hard to get an accurate picture of what's really going on with her mother if it's not properly communicated. And not everyone knows how to do that. There are changes that are subtle with long term illnesses that are often not revealed by intermittent visits. It's an emotional, difficult time for everyone.

I do however applaud the accuracy of your signature.

Charlie of IL 1:56AM February 02, 2010

As much as we wish it were different, family roles for the most part are cut in stone. This is not a lament but simply a fact. Birth order, hair color, personality type, and timing all cast us in a role from our earliest years that follows like a shadow. If we start out as the outsider, the favorite, or the conscientious one, that’s were you will usually find us at sixty. How we feel about this is less important then its tactical significance. Knowing this fact about family systems allows us important choices when we find ourselves in an involuntary alliance with our siblings to address the predictable dilemmas of our aging parents dilemmas. How?

First, it allows us to stop trying to change our siblings who for the most part really resent us for having the audacity to think that we need to “fix” them. Most of us have been trying this from childhood with poor results.

Second, it allows us to accurately access to what our siblings will and will not do. While we may think guilt, shame, anger, and manipulation can help us to get them to carry their weight, this strategy never works in the long run. Even worse, it takes a heavy toll on us and them. Better to be blunt and admit that if their contribution is zero, then zero it is and move on.

Lastly, it allows us to invest our time and money in creating a non-family support system for our aging parents. One of the essential strategies for being successful with our aging parents is a concerted, relentless effort to piece together a support system. It is journey filled with false starts, dead ends, and false hopes. But it is also a journey of numbers. A steady, disciplined effort at building relationships yields good people, people that our aging parents need in their lives. This should be the logo on the T-shirt of every adult child working with an aging parent: steady effort.

If you are blessed with cooperative, helpful, and collaborative siblings count your blessings and let them know how much they mean to you. If your siblings abandon you to fend for yourself, then use the occasion to enhance your networking skills. Either way, you get the friendships, support, and resources you need to deliver a “steady effort.”

David Solie, MS, PA of CA 8:22PM January 30, 2010

My 91 year old frail blind mother now lives in a facility. She is dependent on her children for comfort. Of eleven children, eight live in the vicinity of my mother. Our viewpoints of my mother's situation range from a visit a month is enough to she needs our company multiple times a week. There is a distancing between us because of our diffferent beliefs, but coming to an agreement as to what our individual responsibility towards our mother is has proved impossible. My hope is that hard feelings will be forgotten and reconnection can be made in the future, when my mother is in a better place.

Jan Heinen

LiftChairReviews.com

Jan Heinen 8:08PM January 29, 2010