9 Mistakes Adult Siblings Make When Parents Are Aging, Sick, and Dying

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Just venting here. Everything seemed to be going fine with my 92-year-old mother's care and us four siblings. One brother had moved her into a house a block away from his so he could watch over her, do shopping, take her to dr.'s visits, etc. But just recently, all of us saw that our physically strong and healthy mother has lapsed into what seems to be mild Alzheimers and would need more care. At my bro's request, I helped straighten out her bills, looked at her meds, found some caregiver agencies for him to consider, checked in on her more often, and took her to a few appointments.
My brother said he would get power of attorney so he could pay her bills. That sounded fine to me except now it has turned into a nightmare. He actually got HIPAA and a far stonger POA than he led me to believe.
Following some disagreements about her medical needs, he became very hostile and rudely yelled at me until my mother told him to stop. She now thinks she has to get his permission before going out with me. Did he tell her this or is she delusional? I am stunned. I asked him to go into a mediation with me but he has refused. I thought we were intelligent, rational people but ???

Sad woman of NJ 12:37PM June 05, 2010

After my father-in-law passed, my mother-in-law eventually decided to move closer to her two sons who are half-brothers. Made multiple attempts to have a meeting that included her and the two boys. One son refused to participate in any family meeting where their mother was present. Said it would be a waste of time. He wanted to make all decisions about where she would live, what she could/could not afford, who her new doctors would be. He took 100% control of all assets and kept everything in his name. It divided the brothers and they haven't spoken in three years. Mom-in-law now lives with us and her other son (who kept all her money) visits once a year from 20 miles away -- we make sure we're not home when he comes. She would never ask him for a penny of her own money (from sale of her former home and stocks). She's so thankful for the once-a-year attention from him that she pretends everything is wonderful and she doesn't need a thing. Meanwhile, we've given up our retirement to buy a larger house and take care of her 24/7 with no help from the sibling who demanded that control of her assets. We're pretty sure that he's spent her money on horses and new cars, plus we know he's lost his job and his wife retired at age 53. We could try to recover some of her assets but there's a good chance that nothing's left and an ever better chance that any attempt to make him give anything back would ensure there'd be no further contact.
This is a great article with very good advice, but it assumes that siblings will behave as rational adults and treat the elder with respect. That doesn't always happen.

Dana of KY 1:14PM May 27, 2010

Relationships take work I especially like the way Francine looks at the "Twilight" family as another phase of the life of the family. Moving out of the parent home is not the end of the parent and sibling relationship. Our parents for the most part are living longer and this is really the first generation that has had so many elderly that are living longer. It is a new frontier for our society. I really enjoyed the book and have been recommending it to all my clients looking for help with their elderly parents. If you need help with your parents contact us at www.ASilverConnection.com we are a free service.

Pat of IL 11:24AM February 27, 2010

Nearly ten years ago, my brother and us four sisters got together for a lunch meeting with my mom to set up an account with the long-standing funeral home and split the costs evenly. My mom didn't pay anything, but her plan is fully paid for. She already had a paid for plot. We even had mock bulletins. Mom did get a little squeamish about this part, so we kept it brief. She was relieved, and so too are we. We had our dad take pay for his arrangements at a funeral home in his city for the same reason (he was better off than my mom). They are divorced. It would have been better to put the money in an interest bearing account; however, this worked out just fine for us. My mom is over 85 years of age and has Parkinsons's.
We hope she lives forever, but we knew we had to be realistic.

kaybtt of CA 5:53PM February 08, 2010

"Call a family meeting when your parents are still healthy."
I pushed for a family meeting with my elderly parents and my siblings. They were embarrassed and angry with me and the meeting never happened. What we didn't know was that the doctors had told my father he was terminal a few months before. One day he fell backwards and in the hospital he had swelling on the brain and a stroke. The doctors came in and gave a poor prognosis and shocked us all with- we told him last May he was terminal.
This story is not an "I told you so" moment at all. Months later my mom is still dealing with problems that could have been talked about and handled before this happened.

Teresa of IN 4:31PM February 05, 2010

There is a wonderful site, Lotsa Helping Helps (www.lotsahelpinghands.com), that allows adult siblings to create a private online community and coordinate the care for their parents, as well as provide the emotional support to the sibling that is the primary caregiver. Needs can be posted on the calendar, messages and blogs can be posted for others, and vital legal, financial, and medical information can even be stored and retrieved on a 'need to know basis' for those members of the community granted permission.
A really great web site for family caregivers and those wishing to offer help or emotional support.

Jeffrey Hall of MA 1:21PM January 30, 2010

You are lucky if there are only two who really care and get help from a senior living home, which you should never forget is there for support. How about when there are five of you and no one trust the other in giving sufficient care and decides to use 100 percent senior living support. As the parent ages there are less visits and no more opt-out days or long visits. Your feelings are the same. The leadership sometimes goes to the older sibling, who also ends up managing the money too, not always the way all agree...even as the concern for caring fads with time, even if your heart wants something different.
You all have to watch out for the drug cult: they tell you that coping is an issue and parent needs to be placed on soft drugs to calm their nerves. To agree opens other issues you are not prepared to deal with, even if it makes the caregivers job eaier. The aging person loses their dignity, sleeps more often, then degrades to falling and not walking, even loses their ability to communicate with others. Sound familiar. Then comes the big shock, that we know is related to drug treatments. The monthly price must go up by significant amounts, because the caregiver must provide more services to compensate for deminished abilities of the aged parent. Try to convence all the siblings that this is what is going on and is not a symptom of dementia.
This is a time to learn and you can only do this by staying involved. The future is so often a repeat of the past, and each new generation can learn from those who have been there. For that reason the book open your eyes, but does not answer all your questions.

Jerry G of VA 9:22AM January 30, 2010

I'd feel so much better if the book were written by Francine Russo's sister. After all, it was Francine Russo's sister who did all the work taking care of Francine Russo's mother.
The book seems like a pretty hypocritical, not to mention cynical and tacky, attempt to cash in on her sister's hard work. Even if the book (and the adivce in it) is good, I would consider the source and avoid it.

Judgemental Snob of WY 11:07PM January 29, 2010

I was lucky that my sister and her husband would come once a year for about two weeks to assume the care of our mother. The importance of respite care cannot be overstated.
I expected nothing, but my brother came once in 7-1/2 years to visit. I don't think it would hurt him to know our mother didn't even remember him during the last 1 to 1/2-2 years of her life.
The saving grace was my mother had created a Revocable Living Trust long past the date I thought she could consider something so complex. As trustee, I was able to use her income to pay for nursing home care (more than $65,000/year).
Ellen, Albuquerque

Ellen Gailey of NM 11:04PM January 29, 2010

Sometimes common sense does not always rule, especially when the adult siblings are a brother-sister combo that are close in age. The burden almost always ends up solely on the daughter. It is especially so in my case. My brother has a large family of his own that includes one teenager and six children all under eight years old. The three of us currently live less than an hour's drive away from each other, but my husband and I are now considering moving out of the city to provide a house grassy backyard with a tree, great schools and clean air for our son. My aging mother says she will be lonelier than ever before. Having her live with us is not an option as we will have my father-in-law, who provided the down payment, living with us. I have so many things to consider.

Martha M. of NY 6:09PM January 29, 2010