9 Mistakes Adult Siblings Make When Parents Are Aging, Sick, and Dying

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My mother is 77 and her husband (my stepfather) passed away three months ago. Her health is pretty good, other than that she needs a cane sometimes and relies on us to driver her most places. I'm the youngest of 5 at age 43. My oldest two sisters and one of their daughters treat our mom like she's a helpless invalid. They call her multiple times a day and seem to be trying to outdo each other on who can be the "better" daughter. I take her shopping and talk to her about once a week because I'm not going to join in the craziness. While taking her shopping today, the oldest two sisters each called twice in a 10 minute time span. If someone can't get a hold of her (she frequently forgets to turn her cell phone on) my sisters and adult niece freak out and someone has to be dispatached to her home. It's craziness to me and I don't want any part of it. I'm pulling away more and more because I can't stand they way they treat her like she's a two-year old and that I should be acting the same way. Ugh. It's not easy.

Lisa of MN 11:19PM November 26, 2011

I do all my dad's housework and the heavy yardwork. I do all the dr. appts. If his car breaks down, I lend him mine. When little sis comes around twice a year, she is treated like princess. She seldom calls and only offer unsolicited advice in the way of help. She is 42, no kids and thinks she is smarter than me. When my dad leaves this world, I will get nothing over and above what she will get. No matter how hard I beat my brains out helping him, it will never be acknowledged. She is special indeed and I wish to God all these years of my being there for him could count for something. But it's just up to me to take the high road. I know the high road all too well. People can and will let you down. And leave you feeling like a sucker.

Quitethedummy of NV 1:31PM October 28, 2011

thanks everyone for sharing. I approach many of your issues on two sides of our family and am concerned about escalating rivalry and resentment about who is and isn't helping and the inequality of distance. You've helped me a lot.
To all who are stuck, exhausting your finances and bodies and minds caring for sick and/or elderly please contact hospice, your local hospital or wellness center for advice on how you can get aid. Cathy of MO, who's family is dismisive and Bet of MO who is exhausted need help and there can be many options. In our case, we are the family far away dealing with denial of those who are near. We feel helpless to act because all decisions revolve around the sister who is there- her needs, but she is not seeing the patients heart failure as real and imminent. In another town, one less than healthy relative is spread thin taking care of another who is dying, but wants to stay home. We are researching local options for hopsice, live in nurses, visiting nurses, house keepers and encouraging family to used these services if they can. Hospice can even provide someone to sit with a person for a few hours a week so that the primary care taker can take a break. Good luck to all of you and take care of yourselves, too.

Ruth of WA 8:06PM October 27, 2010

It's never too late to get things in writing. So you spent thousands - assume that is gone. What is the deal going to be from now on? Who will take care of mom? Will your sister take over all the bills now? Who has power of attorney? You need to see a lawyer (call 2 or 3 for free before you give a retainer, explain your case and see what if anything they can do for you). Unless you know what your (and your sister's) legal rights and obligations are - it's hard to give advice or sort this out.

andy of WI 12:21PM August 19, 2010

call the ambulance. Insist that they patch him up at the hospital before he loses a leg and feels even worse about himself. He is being mean to you because he doesn't feel well. Then if you can't take care of him, try to make arrangements for assisted living or ask his doctor or a social worker for recommendations. This is too big of a job for a 27 year old.

andy of WI 12:11PM August 19, 2010

Im 27 now. had 4 jobs.. always was a dead ass, dont like doin things for myself, my rooms always a mess. my dads slowing dying. we dont know of what. i am pretty sure he's got Veinous leg ulcers.. and i've been treating them since february. initally it was easy. a lil tlc here a lil tlc there an they'd clear up, but they'd always pop up a lil worse each time. so i went about trying to find him a doctor, finally found one that takes his humana gold "useless for all i can see" in insurance. he was excited and congratulated me for that first day, then kept finding ways to cop out. so i just gave up on tryin to getem to go to the docs.
So now August, he has a really big sore (rot) on the back of his leg. no gangrenous just big and raw, we had a .....at least i thought. an honest give and take conversation, so i get up the next day to take care of his legs in the mornin and i get crapped all over,, you hate me you dont care your jus twaiting till i die..... i dindt say anyting in response, i just walked away, This whole things killin me inside, i cant find work. i dotn have time to find work cause i need to be around for him when he needs somthin, i try doin nice things for him and i just get a snide crappy responses about them.
Im to the point that im either gonna call the ambulance strip his legs bare, and make the medics take him , or imma just move out and hopefully try and make a life with my brother so i can live my own life. i feel selfish for it. he's a master of the guilt trip, and i can tell when he's tryin to guilt me. his tempers always been just short of violent. guys im at wits end. no matter what i do i cant seem to please him for more than an hour.

sean of CO 1:50PM August 17, 2010

We made a deal that I would help mom with her bills in order for her to stay in her house. I didn't get it in writing. My mistake! Then when she is gone we will sell the house and I will be paid back out of that money plus get my share from the sale of the house. But things have changed my sister is not willing to do this and I have already spent thousands. Can anyone tell me what I can do?

Rose of IN 6:27PM August 08, 2010

My parents made me POA with alternates should I be unable to act. It seems that my siblings and I have made every mistake mentioned and now I am wondering how do you mend the broken relationship?
My mom lives at home with my husband and I and my dad, who has had a stroke, is currently in a nursing home as he requires much more help that I am capable of providing. My parents do not even recognize each other when I take my mom to visit. This really breaks my heart. It is like my parents are someone else and I struggle to know what to do. I am guilt of thinking my brothers should offer to help, as I don't really know how to ask for help. My deepest desire is to keep both of my parents in a safe enviornment, but with my dad this is a struggle as he is almost out of Medicare days and Medicaid has been approved but no date for when it will start. This is creating havoc with keeping him in a facility that can give him the 24 hour a day care 7 days a week. I wish I had read this article and possibly the book before my family began falling apart.

Broken hearted daughter and sister of TN 2:51PM July 17, 2010

My 80 year old father is totally disabled. He can feed himself, and do stool duties when placed on the pot. I work 40+ hrs a week. I am 58. We have help for him during my working hours. When i get home I am exhausted but must start cooking and caring for him immediately when I hit the door. My sister does donate some monetairly, but offers no respite to me what so ever. I never have any time to myself,
All of my off work hrs are spent taking care of him. Physically he is nursing home material, mentally he is not. I don't know what to do.. taking care of him constantly is taking an emotional and physical toll on me. something has got to give.

bet of MO 12:53AM June 13, 2010

My mom has a very bad heart and the doctors told me she doesnt have much more time. I am the only sibling in town and has been my moms only caretaker. I have seen my mom decline rapidly. After the doctor told me of her terminal illness and signed her up for hospice I called my brothers home and they all came without any problems. My mom acted fine and never complained, stating everything was just fine. My brothers all think I am over reacting now. How do I handle this situation?
Confused person.

Cathy of MO 7:24PM June 12, 2010