Some Thoughts on Suicide in Middle-Aged Women

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I'm so sick of hearing about medications for depression. I think I see reality very clearly and it undermines my intelligence. I'm smart enough to know that a pill doesn't pay the bills or fix a house that is falling apart around you. It won't pay for my medical benefits and sure won't let me retire. I worked hard at a job I hated for 20 years, kept an old house from falling apart and raised a good son, while still dating and having a social life. People saw me as superwoman, and yeah, I felt like I was. I thought I did good, only to find at 45 that the job fell apart, the market took most of the savings and the house is deteriorating to a point of embarrassment. I can't find another job because my skills are limited. So if I live I exhaust everything and have nothing to give to my son, and at this rate it would probably only be another ten years until it's all gone, if that. I'm not sad. I'm mad! I'm not depressed. I'm tired. So please don't tell me to take meds or find God. Neither one is going to pay my bills. There's no miracle that's going to happen here that is going to change anything. Now I spend the days putting things in order because I won't leave things a mess. As soon as I've accomplished what I need to, I'll find peace. It sure doesn't exist here.

T of NJ of NJ 5:51PM December 26, 2011

i cant kill myself because my kids and parents. I have no friends. I am 42. I'm so tired of living with depression and fighting alcoholism.

kk of WA 11:06PM August 23, 2011

Just got my first computer so I probably won't be able to get this message out. I'm 52 have lived on disability for a long time. My family was violent and neglectful when I was growing up. I always knew they were sorry they had children - they told me. When I was grown I went in and out of mental hospitals -I just wasn't able to learn in school and had no life relationship skills. No clue. I'm very depressed. There really is no reason for me to live.

Cathy Conner of NY 12:02PM July 15, 2011

I'm not surprised that middle age woman are depressed and suicidal. What human being would not be, facing the devastating effects of menopause. If there is a god I think he should be put on trial for crimes against humanity. Maybe the devil is not so bad.The enemy of your enemy is my friend.
Looking forward to December 21 2012.

me 6:00PM May 14, 2011

I've read your comments and posts here. My heart aches for those of you whom opened up your heart with your posts.
I'm 52, almost 53, never had children. I was married for 16 years but have been single now for 14. Don't know how life passed by so quickly. Have struggled like many of you with depression, layoffs, not having family, etc.
Just wanted to say hello and hug yourself. You do have a purpose(and I struggled with this all the time) and my heart and compassion pours out to you!
Sonja in Texas

Sonja Funakura of TX 11:05PM May 07, 2011

I have health issues, financial issues, and caregiving issues. Every morning that I awake, I say "why"? I wish I never awake from a sleep. Everyone talks about death, being nice, and every thing worldly. I have been all that. I think I have gone beyond and above everything I'm suppose to be for others. I'm tired. I'm so exhausted. All I think of everyday is when the day would be. I have a stash of pills ready for that day. I'm so sick of being sick. I'm sick of living up to everyone's expectations. I'm 58 and have done nothing to show any accomplishments. Didn't graduate college. Couldn't save. I'm so tired of working so hard every day. The world is not fair. America is not fair. I can't even afford health insurance. Life really sucks. I just can't take it any more. No one cares. Do you think anyone on the street would care if I died? Even to my family, I would just be another death statistic in the family and would eventually be forgotten. I feel like I'm already forgotten so death would be similar to living. It would be no different than what it is. Death and Life are the same.

m of HI 10:14PM April 26, 2011

I'm a middle-aged, single woman with no children or family. A few friends try to be nice to me, but are either married, supported by husbands or were fortunate enough to be self-employed early in life. I wake up every moment on the day trying to figure out how I am going to support myself every day for the next XX years. Trying to get a sustaining job that will pay for housing, food, a car, over the age of 50 is mind-numbing.
People don't get it, I do. I've read all of these posts. What is left to life when you wake up every morning with a headache because you can't figure out how you're going to survive. Middle-aged women are probably in the toughest position around. Forget dating or a social life. Unless you're independently wealthy or have the looks of a cover model, the situation is very grim.
Forgetting about men, marriage or the fact that we become invisible, I think the thing that makes most of us wake up every day and feel suicidal or hoping our lives would end is the supporting ourselves issue. So many of us never expected we would be alone and have to support ourselves in a world that difficult enough to do so. Jobs aren't offered, option just shrivel. Period. It's not living, it's just trying to survive. I get it. I really, truly do. I'm in this spot and everyday I feel the fear.

Marie of NY 2:06AM April 14, 2011

Really, for me the gold is rarely seen. In fact it's fleeting. The gold I only see is the Halo around my 3 grandchildren.
I was born in 1956. I had a perfect childhood. My Mother never worked a job or drove a car. My Father was a welder. He was a driven worker. The home was beautiful, we had every thing we wanted within reason. In fact we were the first on the street to have air condition and a color tv. I had 2 older brothers. I was trained to be married. My Mother would say, look at the grain of the wood table, watch how the furniture polish increases it's beauty. This theory applied to every item in the HOME. She had no idea that when I was in my fifties I would be alone and on the brink of poverty. So, my point here is...how will I survive another day. For me, I think about suicide everyday. Do people know, I have mentioned it, who really cares if your here or not? I have Fibromyalgia and this is the Beast of Burden. I'm lonely and broke.........

Susan Morgan of AR 1:07PM April 12, 2011

I'm 47 and got laid off after 20 years with one company. I worked long and hard for 20 years for the company and always received great reviews. They laid off 33% of our organization and almost everyone had about 20 years. It seems my experience and skills have no value today. (Telecom/CCNA)
I try to think that it was good while it lasted and it afforded me the opportunity to provide good things for my kids. Now the kids are pretty much grown and things are changing. I guess we have to make room for them to be able to make good money to raise their families (no grand kids yet).
Now I'm just trying to figure out how to start over but I'm not sure if there are any good occupations for middle aged females. I can't figure out where we belong in the work force at this age. I've been divorced for about 8 years and not finding any luck in love either.
Maybe we need to pull together and live together with other women our age and save on living expenses. A new type of life and support.
I know others going through the same trials and are terribly depressed as I am. Sucide crosses my mind quickly as a list of possible things I CAN do crosses my mind. I feel I have no use to society. But then that is quickly replaced by thoughts of trying to find something useful to do, volunteer, or just go out for a walk and listen to music. Then back to the drawing board of trying to figure out what job I can apply which quickly brings on the depression again. Oh well. I have to think God does not intend for us women to go out like this. I know it doesn't sound practical, but it helps me to think that He will always be there for me and would not put anything I can't handle in front of me, and with each set back I try to see it as maybe there is something new for me to learn. I grew up very poor and for some reason I'm starting to feel okay with being poor now, verses when I was growing up I fought really hard to get out of poverty. I'm okay with what ever life throws at me and will just try to keep doing the right thing and not give up hope and be thankful for what I do have. I can't be useful if I'm depressed, so I keep on trying to be giving and not give up on life, it will be okay. But again, sometimes it's just hard to figure out where to be useful and how to pay bills with no job.

Moni of NC 10:44PM March 16, 2011

2 yeara ago we bought a new home, my mother was living with us and thought things were going ok until.......my husband gets notice his company is closing here in CA and moving out of state. He's in his mid 50's and knows he needs to move with the company or face being jobless for the third time in 4 years. We then find out that we cannot do anything with the house and so he has to move ahead of me. Many other losses ensue for us from this time forward. In June, on one of his visits back here in CA, its our 30th wedding anniversary and he is acting very different and unkind to me. He leaves and goes back to Missouri and I'm getting ready to follow him in a few weeks to be with him for a month. Just prior to leaving I decided to check our cell phone bill and found that for the last 10 months he's been having an affair with a much younger woman. When confronted, he of course denies it but starts blaming me for everything thats gone wrong in our life. I lost 17lbs in 8 days and proceded to drop 60lbs from extreme stress and grief. I spent that month with him and found out a lot. He said he was rebelling (how old are we? this isn't jr high). Said he doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore. WTH is that?! Meanwhile, I go back home with the prospect of what am I going to do. I have no skills, I've raised 4 kids and have 7 grandkids I've helped take care of. Suicide has been a daily battle for me. Since then, he lost his job because the woman he was having an affair with was a subordinate. He has also been womanizing others at work. I don't recognize this man! Due to the unbelievable stress I've had to go through, I've lost my partime job of 8 years. Now there is no work to be had anywhere! I'm in my 50's and you can see the looks on the faces of those you go to, to ask for work. They look at you like "you've got to be kidding me lady". My only roof over my head is about to go into forclosure and I have no place to go and all my husband can say is "figure it out". This entire thing has completely broken and destroyed my family. My children don't talk to me or come to see me. I don't get to see my grandkids anymore, and I'm alone every minute of every day. I try to hang on but I'm not sure how much longer. I understand what women my age feel. We no longer are valued as an important part of society anymore. My life is pretty much over. Whats the use of going on. What or who can you ever trust if the man you were married to and loved and do this. I gave up my life for my family and now have no skills to support myself. Thanks to menopause, It's difficult to even remember anything so how am I supposed to get a job to support myself? Nobody in my family is willing to even help. I've always been there to take care of everyone. Now when I need some help, nobody is there for me. I think of ways to end my life almost daily but I know thats not what God would want me to do, so I'm in a constant state of pain and conflict. Nothing makes sense anymore.

G Celaya of CA 7:18PM January 12, 2011