Why Divorcing Women Seek Revenge

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I know a few things about a women’s quest for revenge and its fallout. I also know how to combat it. I’m a dad who did the unspeakable evil of leaving my ex. She was abusive, and insistent power and control in our relationship. So I broke up with her. We weren’t married, but we had a child.
Revenge for my ex has been to deny access to our daughter and tell everybody I wasn’t interested in being a father, but block me at every turn when I tried. Without the court system, I had no access to our daughter at all for eight months. Within the court system, I’ve had to learn to self-represent, because I can’t afford otherwise. It is UNBELIEVABLY DIFFICULT to be a meaningful part of our daughter’s life, on account of mom’s quest for revenge.
This article is about women, but as a man, I ask: what can a decent dad do when mom wants revenge at all costs? Answer: Don’t take the bait. Love your child—after all, mother’s quest for revenge makes her a bad parent, so the kid needs somebody, it might as well be you. Revenge is destructive to children. Sure, it’s natural, but so is infanticide. You can’t be a good parent if you’re out for revenge. The two things don’t jibe. No more revenge. No excuses. Put the kids first.

Liam Jones 8:10PM April 08, 2009

Although it's taken me 11 years to understand it, my ex used the ultimate in revenge tactics when I told her I wanted a separation/divorce.
Not having any formal education beyond grade 9, my ex was an at-home mother to our 6 children. Although she held several jobs, none of them lasted for more than a couple of months.
When I told her that I wanted an end, the very last words she said to me was, "don't fight me on custody of the children."
My intention was shared custody, although, I would have been satisfied with visitation. I was to receive neither.
A few days after my announcement, she, along with the children, disappeared, and I received a telephone call from her then, soon-to-be lawyer, brother, that "she and the children were "safe."" I knew something disasterous was about to happen.
A few weeks later, my house was swarmed by RCMP officers with a search warrant in hand. I was arrested and detained for several charges of sexual assault, sexual assault with a weapon, uttering threats, simple assault, etc. etc. Along with that came Child & Family Services involvement.
In the end, I was ultimately cleared by the Courts, and Child & Family Services, but not before being effectively removed from my children's lives for 4 years. This is a very long time in impressionable children's lives.
Ultimately I discovered that, because she left and appeared on the doorstep of an abused woman's shelter, she was obligated to make such claims; there were no other family that where sufficiently local enough to acquire support from. I DO know that the staff of the shelter made it clear that, if no allegation (and criminal charges) were pursued, no further assistance would be provided.
Having no job skills, meant no job, and no income EXCEPT social services. Not having custody of the children would certainly reduce the amount she received.
There is no question that I am not at fault in some way; I was having an online affair, which became a relationship later, and my ex was aware of it. For this I accept responsiblity.
There is also no question that there were outside influences in this case, such as her brother, her distant family, and of course, the workers at the shelter.
Panic can cause a person to do unthinkable things, and I am certain if she could undo the steps she took, she would. Knowing her persona, I doubt the ramifications of her actions cause her much distress. However, I believe over time, her innuendos and outright fabrications will haunt her in one way or another.

Murray 11:42AM April 08, 2009

First of all, I don´t understand the relation between women or men wanting to seek revenge and Olympic athletes. Second, in my case, I can only see a psychotic tendency to destroy the other person´s life, in blind rage, without thinking of who benefits or what those benefits might be. The children are thrown in a battle, lied to, taken away from the parent they always loved, now being told that this person is bad. These kind of destructive divorces do not benefit anyone except the lawyers taking the case. All property will need to be sold to defend the case and there isn´t even anything left to divide. The children are tossed around in an emotional battle and suffer the most.

Daniel Barto 6:21PM February 07, 2009

they just want a younger man so they look hot in public. and men are dumb enough to chase older women. hup em and dump em guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bill of MN 9:03AM November 18, 2008

Yes, I believe the feeling of revenge is a very natural response against a spouse who has betrayed and cheated on his family. I think the attorney's should be included in that category, also. Jesus of XX is right, "Then only winners are the lawyers!" From experience, I can say the Texas Judicial System in West Texas sucks bigtime. My children and I were not only taken advantage of by my ex, my lawyers (3- two male, one female) but the judge was prejudiced against me by his first cousin, my ex's lawyer! The transcript reads like a bad tv sitcom/comedy. One attorney straight out told me I couldn't do a thing about the previous attorney's lies because, "I have been the President of the Texas Bar Association for 8 years and we never did anything to any lawyer. You have no recourse." After two years of being divorced, not including the year it took to get it, I am still angry, hurt, and venegful. "Get over it people say." "Get on with your life." Well, my so called "LIFE" was TAKEN from me and what little value was placed on me for a 19 year marriage and business I helped to build, was taken by the greedy lawyers. And let me tell you, starting over is not easy for someone who had to give up everything else to be a "wife". The person I put my life, my love and my future, into suddenly decided my "friend" was a much better deal. Brings to mind the old adage: You can't count on anyone except yourself. I WANT to say to people who've been done dirty: GET WHAT YOU CAN AND RUN, RUN, RUN!! But that puts me in the same category as the jerk I used to be married to. I'm better off, emotionally, by far and so are my kids. So, I will say: Pray, pray and have faith that God is good and will guide you to a better place.

Dani (ta)Back Miller of TX 3:29PM October 15, 2008

Revenge, as the first poster so aptly points out, is not a "woman's" thing. This article leans towards promoting the wrong stereotypes of the "woman scorned."
Many times, as another poster put it - the woman is protecting her family, her children and yes, even herself. Why? Because when men are caught cheating, stealing, lying, hiding funds, etc. -- they react with something called NARCISSISTIC RAGE (google that). Then these "men" go on the attack --- and when the woman tries to defend herself or protect her family the man says "look! she's a woman scorned -- it's REVENGE."
Unfortunately, articles like this just make that claptrap more believable. This writer and USNews should check up on the kinds of revenge men take on women... rather than painting women as the bad ones.

Amy of CA 3:49AM August 15, 2008

Simple, what this disgusting practice in the United States is comming to (and soon to be followed in the civilized world outside) is just as the nice lawyer above put it: a dissolution of a business contract. So, to the intelligent man living within these United States, I offer the following solution: do NOT get married. There is no need to put yourself in a contract to begin with where you invite the state the general public, and the nice lawyer above into your living room. Everyone is imperfect in whatever way whether it be honesty, integrity, loyalty, etc. we are human, we err and we are grossly imperfect. This in no way should be interpreted as having to hand over half of your hard work to another for ANY reason. A union between a man and a woman should be left up to GOD (those who believe) and allow GOD to deal with the indiscretions. The children should be cared for as they are innocent parties however the father should have ABSOLUTELY EQUAL rights to his children should he choose to exercise them. This includes length of time with the children, decisions made regarding the children, etc. I've had the unfortunate experience of meeting only one bad apple, however she was found to be profoundly mentally ill, enabled by her oblivious parents and a horrible, selfish mother, an "existentialist" who prides her self in identifying with Soren Kierkegaard. I always had the good sense to not get married to her (more of an instinct thatn anything else) and am more than proud to support my little daughter. She has another son from a previous relationship (marriage) and it lasted just as long as our relationship did (not the typical case but NLQ nontheless). An honest, loyal and moral woman is hard to find, but when you do, stick to her.. I did.

NLQ of NY 2:39PM August 09, 2008

Christie Brinkley could have fought in court without making the trial public. That was her strategic decision to embarrass her husband and ultimately embarrassed the kids. It seemed like a selfish decision on her part.
And gender bias abounds in divorces. Nine out of ten times the women gets the kids. Like that isn't sexism.

joe of MN 2:28PM July 20, 2008

Because they can.
Men are victimized during divorce but it isn't politically correct to talk about it. Just more and more about how women are suffering.
Women do not have the high moral ground in divorce any more than men do. I am a woman and I see the carnage. Misandry rules the process in divorce and please don't let him be wealthy because then the daggers are lodged deep in his back.
Until we get away from the mantra of women as victims this will continue. Name 1 man who has won his divorce in the court of public opinion.

Speak the truth of CA 5:54PM July 18, 2008

People who seek revenge tend to have an evil side to them. I read some of the comments and see that people actually think revenge is appropriate. My husband has been seeking revenge for over 5 years and driving me into the ground financially with lawyers. Lies, manipulation, and narcissistic abuse have been just some of the revenge techniques he's used to take custody from me and minimize my life with my children. All I did was leave him. He was a jerk and I had finally got enough self-esteem to leave him. The courts, lawyers, judges, and public believe whatever they hear. The juicier the story, the better. This REVENGE has hurt me financially, emotionally, and mentally which in turn hurts my children. You people that think Christie has a right to seek revenge are wrong. Maybe she was a horrible person to live with and her husband wanted out? Maybe he made a mistake? All people who smile and seem nice are not always the nicest people underneath it all. Stop judging and start realizing we all need to take responsibility for our own actions. The children are going to most affected in these revenge situations. People who seek revenge are self-centered and wrong.

sabrina McKenna of OR 7:36PM July 16, 2008