What Immigrant Parents Can Teach Us About Raising Good Kids

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Hi There,
I'm Vicky from the land down under, just thought i'd say Hi :)
V x x

evagsalkawl of AL 8:19PM July 04, 2009

Please explain why my post has been censored? Are you lying to the American People by withdrawing from them an alternative opinion?

Bohdan Szejner, STL of AK 4:03AM June 16, 2009

I completely agree with Caroline of IN - most Asian American kids/peers I know resent the overprotection and close supervision when they are old enough to understand it. By then, the damage has been done. I have quite a few Asian American friends who spent most of their schooling (incl undergrad and grad) doing what their parents thought was best for them, only to realize that they are miserable and have wasted precious time, energy, and MONEY. Some have continued bc they are somewhat in denial, while others have painfully started over knowing they cannot get back the time they lost.
As an Asian American, I've always envied my Caucasian and African American friends who got to pursue their interests and make their own mistakes and, really, discover life at their own pace. I, on the other hand, was sheltered: I never had chores to do, I never washed the dishes or did the laundry, I never cooked. I was expected to focus only on my studies. This, I thought, was a luxury...until I got to college and realized there were many things I didn't know how to do. Not to mention, it was a source of teasing by my peers - I was called spoiled, even though A) it wasn't my fault and B) it's supposedly part of my culture to focus only on studying.
I'm currently living abroad in Taiwan, and I can attest that it is 10 times worse here, esp among men. Single men and women live with their parents until they get married, so they don't really learn to do anything themselves, even into their 30's. It is generally looked down upon for women to live alone (they can bring men back?), and most men take the easy way out by staying with parents (they don't have to cook/clean for themselves). Taiwan is an extreme example, but I'm sure there are similar cases in the US in immigrant families. (This is why I can't date Asians - I don't want to perpetuate the lifestyle/culture.)
Conclusion: I think there is a happy medium that can be found in terms of how to raise a well-behaved, industrious, happy child that becomes a productive part of the greater community. It doesn't have to be super-crazy-strict Asian style or wishy-washy-do-what-you-want-all-the-time American style. The writer's situation seems perfect - you can take both you and your husband's methods and find a compromise that takes the best of both disciplinary/child-rearing styles. At least that's what I plan to do when I intermarry!

Justine of CA 5:35AM June 12, 2009

While lauding this very close supervision may seem the right thing, it is not. Chinese children are actually more prone to depression because of this supervision. It undermines their idea of self-worth. The author was correct in saying that the parents limit children's freedom. Parents are there to guide and to support, and rules are perfectly natural and healthy in most households. However, as a product myself of close parental supervision by immigrant parents, I can say firmly that the American system of letting the child make their own mistakes is much better, because children become more confident when they are allowed to make their own choices. It is strange to my counterparts how, when entering high school, I was unused to making my own decisions or stating my individual desires. Yes, most Chinese children are more likely to have higher scholastic achievement. This is because their free time is generally geared towards studying. This makes them better students, but they are sometimes unable to justify their value beyond their academic achievements. The basis of their self-esteem is often their grades in school, which can be and is extremely unhealthy in most cases. Not getting an A is enough to send an obedient Chinese child into tears. Good grades are a good goal, but at what price? Obviously, there has to be a balance.

Caroline of IN 8:18PM June 10, 2009

If my parents or their friends are representative, most Indian parents have precisely two concerns: making sure their children are financially self-sufficient as adults, and family honor. To the extent that reputation and getting a good job require virtues, then the children will be virtuous -- at least until they're teenagers.
Not much deep philosophy here.

Sanjay of NJ 8:45AM June 10, 2009

Yes,there is a strict way that Chinese parents supervise their children. The mainly reason, i think, is the conventional conception derived from the Confucius that it is the parents' fault if their children ill behave. Besides, the policy of having only child of China has a great impact on each Chinese family, as well as under the not so well off condition making living needs hard struggle. So parents have to be cautious if they want their children have a splendid future.

Judy Feng 7:28AM June 10, 2009