Having Children Adds Stress to Marriage

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We just had our first baby 7 weeks ago, and sweetie, I feel your pain. I really, really do-- it's what's drawing me to the computer at 1:30 am, sacrificing a little bit of the 3 hours of sleep I might get. I need an answer too. How to become a team? How to delegate housework, baby's needs, my needs and his? How to not feel hurt when he drinks a whole bottle of wine, started chewing again and tells me how he just needs time to himself. Where's the love?! I know I was naive about some of the things I would daydream about when I was pregnant.. about how hard it is, how we would be in a love bubble with our little bean. The truth of the matter is that you're the baby's source of life. You are the one who has been handed the power stick, the one who has to carry the weight of all of this new life change. And jobs/income does not help.. (we're still working on that). All I can suggest is to keep yourself reading forums, keep yourself sane by going outside once a day and breathing in the air (cold or warm, doesn't matter), know that this is the transition phase and you will find your way... families have been for years!.. don't get too frustrated and keep the communication open. No yelling, no snapping (hard, I know, with no sleep). Just keep your chin up and keep going. There is one little person who is counting on you, and who loves you more than you'll ever know. The pieces will fall together soon. Believe it, and it will help. Good luck! P.S. If the depression/blues are too bad, go see someone. There is always a free professional out there that you can talk to-- and sometimes, that's all it takes. Talk to your doctor.. you're doing the best you can, and it will get better!!

Kat of CA 4:34AM March 09, 2010

I had our first baby 3 weeks ago. I am severely depressed and feel lifeless. I had a good relationship full of mutual respect, attention and devotion. We got pregnant on our honeymoon. Throughout the pregnancy, our marriage was still beautiful. When we have arrived home and trying to adjust, it is awful. Our marriage is suffering so badly. I am so scared. If it was like this forever, we would get a divorce, I wouldn't live this way. I don't know what to do. He is miserable, I am miserable. We go hours without talking, without looking at eachother. Everything I do seems to be the wrong thing in his eyes and he drinks too much but thinks it's fine. I feel worthless. Also I got a call today that my work is not giving me 12 weeks off anymore, they only give me 6. All along we thought I would have 12. So, I had to quit. My husband doesn't make very much money. We don't know what to do or how we are going to handle it. It's too much. Our marriage is ruined since the birth of our baby, it seems. Help!

Mary of TN 8:03PM March 08, 2010

I have had 3 children previously before marriage, and he had children as well..We both thought it will be right for me to move into the bigger house, for when both sides of the families come and visit and space was considered...Well, due to their ages, their friends and both had mothers of our own still living, but in different states who we may have to consider in the future in having to look after.....Now, with all this, how can me and him possibly have some time to ourselves? Hmm, now, expecting grandchildren soon....I really would prefer to relocate within a mutal location, for both sides of the families can be stable and then "WE"can go visit them whenever its needed.

Sister A of GA 7:30PM March 03, 2010

I definitely agree that time needs to be put into the marriage by going on date nights. Unfortunately I don't get to do this very often. Having 4 kids takes up alot of our time especially when 2 of them are under 4 yrs old. I enjoy spending time with my husband on our date nights when they do happen. Vote on my poll, What would you like to do on a date?, at
www.stress-and-marriage.blogspot.com. Only a couple of hours left for voting but I will have another poll for you to vote on in a couple of days. I'd love to here any feedback. :)

Louise 10:22PM February 20, 2010

After the birth of our daughter, my wife's disposition changed dramatically - she became neurotic, isolated us from friends and my family, allowed her mother to interfere massively in our marriage, lost her sex drive, turned mean towards my seven year old son (from my late wife and living with us), refused to return to work, ran me down behind my back to friends and family calling me lazy and a poor father when I was working my backside off to support the household and did my very best for the kids.
After two years of this I confronted her about the above and she then accused me of emotional abuse, moved out and refused to go for any counselling. I sued for divorce and it's turned into a very acrimonious affair with her severely restricting access to my daughter, making ridiculous financial demands and spreading malicious rumours about me while my daughter (now three) is sitting on her lap!

Derick 1:14AM February 20, 2010

From my own experience of prior divorce and mixing a family, if you and your spouse make the kids more important than your relationship, you are doomed. Wives, your husband is more important. Husbands, your wife is more important. That goes for both of you. If your spouse is working hard to balance the relationship with you, then the kids and helping to provide a great home and you are only looking after the kids needs and then yours, you will fail. Kids learn and gain security from seeing partners that love from commitment and the showing of intimacy. Simple as that. So. Both parents put pride aside, spend time together being open and respectful in communication on a weekly basis and by all means express your feelings about situations that can later cause greater conflict. Husbands benefit when they learn to express this and wives do better when they don't assume. If you both are christians, then for goodness sake pray together in your bedroom with the door closed and discuss the concerns. Wives and husbands, truly listen to one another. Without this, you are both wasting your time. And for goodness sake, don't let another friend or family member of the same sex tell you how you should handle it. They should mind their own business. Seek a qualified professional to work with you both at the same time.

Andy W of SC 2:18PM December 30, 2009

you know life will never be the same as used to be after having a baby. I had terible experience regarding this. enjoy alot before having any child then there will be no more fun.after all for me having or getting a baby means losing your husbands love once and forever.

jhiughdgi of IN 9:59AM November 07, 2009

I completely disargee with the children and marriage comment. Bringing children into this world and being a parent is the most selfless thing a couple can do. Sure my husband love to have my complete attention and affection for the rest of our lives but he is willing to sacrafice a bit of that to be a parent. Parents sacrafice their own desires every single day to raise children.

Kendall Burns of ID 4:49PM November 05, 2009

Children add stress to a marriage because they simply add work and responsibilities. Along with children, other things can add stress. Loss of a job, loss of a home or even an illness just to name a few.
Of course kids add stress. I tend to think that couples who do plan to have kids, have taken that into consideration. I hope.
Marriage without kids does not guarantee a stress free life. Kids do not always result in stressful marriage. Majority of the time, people are victims of their own attitudes. How we react to things and how we see things will ultimately determine stress levels in our lives. Having an expectation of stress free and trouble free life is unrealistic, whether there are kids or not. We all will encounter difficulties in our lives and how we choose to handle them is up to us and no one else. Any life can be enjoyed just like any life can be wasted. It is all up to us.

John of CA 10:36PM November 02, 2009

Someone had to have a study done to know this? OMG we are such a useless country. What a waste of time any person in their right mind knows that adds stress.

Bill of NJ 3:02PM November 02, 2009