Praise a Child Right, and You'll Get Results

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Works well for relationships of all kinds.
Treat your spouse, pets, co-workers, neighbors, service people, and friends with respect and SINCERE enthusiasm for what they do that you like, and they will want to be around you more, please you, and they will care what you think and want. Wouldn't you want to be treated the same way? I think this used to be called the "Golden Rule".

SLL of GA 10:15AM April 12, 2011

I am an 11-year-old girl who just read this article and I promise that whenever someone tries to praise me, I will just run away. Have you guys even thought of that? Maybe I'll just be super grumpy instead. I already do that and no one knows why!! LOL!!!
Hope you think of that,
Meri

Meri of CA 10:01PM March 03, 2011

Are you connecting with your child when you exchange exaggerated expressions of approval for his compliance to your wishes? Are you teaching him the value of picking up his room, or are you teaching him the value of complying with your authority. When this child leaves home will you be satisfied that he has the self reliance and judgement to make his way independently? Will he be resilient and capable of handling real world situations? Or will he expect the world to give him a "high five" every day? Just askin'..
I feel that only through seeking a deep connection with our children can we hope to give them the tools to thrive later. Empathy, emotional intelligence, and connection are the watchwords. Instead of a time out--TIME IN! You can't reason with toddlers--their brains aren't developed yet. Yelling and screaming (let alone physical violence) only breed distrust and further violence.
Model the behavior you desire in your child. Whatever you want--kindness, intelligence, even hygiene!--just model it. What a blessing to have a kid who's patient having learned this skill from his folks!

jonathan of CA 7:44PM April 16, 2010

I love this article and i can say that praising your child or rewarding them for good behavior does work. I am happy to say that after months of trying to get my son to help pick up his toys i finally do not have to fight with him. however, he will not, and does not, get away with bd behavior. my son, a 3 year old, will only be told once not to do something. if he does not listen he gets a time out. if her persists, he gets a more secluded time out such as sitting on his bed with the door half closed. now ususally after the second time out he decides that behavior is not worth the punishment. sometimes he will do it one more time and get a pat on the butt. now, i never "HIT" my child. he gets a simple pat the does not really hurt but the point is there. And, this DOES work. I am in no way condoning physical violence towards children, but a spanking is not always the wrong choice.

Krista of WI 2:57PM April 16, 2010

Let me 1st say that I like this article and it does give some great advice. All children want praise from their loved ones and giving them overly enthusiastic praise is probably best for any young child (under10).
Now let me get to my problem with this article and any article about not hitting a child (they all advocate the same thing as a first alternative to spanking). The beloved time-out. Its not breaking news or anything but time-outs don't work and they're an utter waste of time. You cannot treat a 3 year old or a 10 year old for that matter like an adult. Children don't have the abilities to understand the deeper meaning of things. Young children behave badly because they are frustrated or upset because things didn't go their way which often leads to temper tantrums or swearing and/or physical violence. Heck even adults often have difficult times reflecting on bad behavior(why else are our prisons full of repeat offenders). To give the child a time-out and ask them to be an adult and reflect on what they did is being irresponsible and foolish in my opinion. Treat a child like a child until they start behaving like they are not 1.
I don't advocate physical violence of any kind not adult to adult, nor child to child, or child to adult, and definitely not adult to child. If someone resorts to physical violence it means they have ran out of ideas (a.k.a. Stopped Thinking!). I think we need to find an alternative to spanking that doesn't ever involve the useless practice of a time-out. Every child that has ever had a time-out (me included) lied about thinking it out and understanding what we did was wrong. It was funny to me that my parents bought it everytime hook line and sinker. What do they expect children to say no I have a lot more thinking to do until I get it, NOT! LOL! Don't think for a minute that time-outs do 1 bit of good. So we need a more appropriate form of discipline/punishment for a child. I am open to suggestions. Please only non-physical and non-psychological damaging advice .
Thanks, JKAY

JKAY of MI 2:41AM April 16, 2010

At last - it appears we have some "true", excellent parenting advice - specific praise for the specific action together with a touch or hug as well as an immediate verbal (in normal tones) response by the parent to the child's inapproriate action - then a short "time out" that is ADHERED to by BOTH the parent and the child - will wonders never cease - this truly, truly works!!! One other thing I would add - always - ALWAYS - be on EYE LEVEL with your child in any conversation - particularly those that apply to any of their concerns or your praise or your re-inforcing their behavior.

Nan of CA 1:00PM June 13, 2008

I'm excited to get this book/DVD for my daughter. She has a 3 year old who is a gem of a child. But Kylie is a lot like her Mom ... is "handful" a positive enough slant on her behavior? My daughter could use the support this book will offer her.
One thing I'd like to share with you and Dr. Kazdin (and I will email him too) is to praise in public ... out loud ... especially if you can do it so they don't think you know they are standing nearby ... almost like you're telling a great wonderful secret! Imagine the pride that child will feel!!!
I do this on purpose for my friends and family ... and especially for my boyfriend. I much prefer it over telling a story at the other persons expense ... even if its for a laugh!
Bad mouthing someone, at any age, is more damaging than people think.

Cindy of CO 5:08PM February 07, 2008