Step 1: Decide if a Nursing Home Is Necessary

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There are some great suggestions here. I particularly agree with the recommendation about hiring a professional. While I support any family trying to care for a loved one, often for dementia and Alzheimer's care families do not fully understand what they are signing up for. Eldercare.gov is a good site, but sometimes the options are focused on general care and in some areas availability can be slow. Topalzheimercare.com is a good backup for families needing local Alzheimer's care when the government site has no immediately available options.

Bill Davidson of CA 12:03PM May 14, 2012

I wonder if there's a respite care or short term care facilities in Honolulu to give my 87 year old father a rest from looking after his unwell wife.

Marilou Creighton 10:19AM March 29, 2012

My step-dad is soon to be 93. he has heart issues but nothiing can be done for him such as surgery. He is continuously tired. My sister who is 53 and single lives with him but she is totally frustrated due to him being uncooperative. He recently had some concerning ipisodes and refused to allow my sister to take him to the hospital or call an ambulance. She called me crying and I just told her to give him some orange juice because his symptoms sounded like low blood sugar. he hadn't eaten very much that day. The orange jice helped but he went to bed. I can understand his refusal to go to the hospital because the elderly often decline very rapidly when hospitalized due to infections, etc. He generally is of sound mind, can walk and use the bathroom. He will not agree to have someone come in to check on him so it's all on my sister. He has always been very argumentative and it is wearing my sister out. She refuses to leave him alone except for when she has to work so she no longer goes anyplace although my step-Dad tells her to go. She feels like something will happen and I tell her that if something is going to happen, it will happen whether she's there or not. I tried to talk to him to make him understand that by not cooperating with her he is stressing her out badly and it is affecting her health. I am 900 miles away so there's not much I can do. If he would only give in a litlle it would make life a little easier for her. She also worrries about him having an accident as he still drives occasionally. I contacted his doctor but he didn't seem too concerned. I worry that he will have an accident and hurt someone else. I tried to find a senior center that would pick him up and take him out once or twice a week but there was nothing in his immediate area. I think that would help him a lot as he spends his days sitting and watching television all day. My sister is also in the process of tyring to put the house up for sale. She has to sell it because if Dad passes, she will not be able to keep it. The taxes in her county are very high and she doesn't make enough to pay them. They have lived in that house for as long as my sister has been alive and mot a whole lot has been done on it. It was like pulling teeth to get Dad to fork up the money to get some things fixed just to bring the house up to code. He's made it so hard for her that it amazes me that she is still there caring for him. I know things are only going to get worse and I just don't know what to do for either of them. It has made me realize that I don't want to live past my ability to care for myself. I don't wish to be a burder to anyone. My step*Dad doesn't need a nursing home yet but we need help and have no idea where to get it and even if my step-Dad will alow anyone to help him. They live in cental New Jersey.

Sharon Artimovich of GA 10:31PM February 07, 2012

Dad is 77 and a heavy drinker. He smokes heavily as well and refuses to use his cane or walker. He drives down the driveway to retrieve his mail. He doesn't eat properly - thank God for Stauffer's he says - he lives alone in a small neighborhood in the Sierra's. He is stubborn and refuses to move. Paid assistance has helped but he frets over the cost and eventually lets them go. The 4 of us kids are worried he's going to drink and drive and hurt someone or himself. Any suggestions??

Sue Speer of CA 2:21PM January 10, 2012

our country should hav a plan in effect , a national system for all, when parents
lose their mind its a nitemare for a family !!!!!!!!!!!!!!this effects everyone in the world!!!!!!!!!! and should be handled better, i did not know what the heck
to do for my dad once his mind was gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gerard of NY 3:47AM November 17, 2011

SOY RESIDENTE EN LA FLORIDA DRANTE 11 ANOS, NO TENGO RECORD ALGUNO Y SOY CNA REGISTRADA, NECESITO TRABAJAR PLEASE...

IDALMIS PUPO of FL 10:14PM April 20, 2011

I think you should arrange for your family members to meet with you and a social worker from the nursing home where she currently is becoming settled. Tell the social worker that your family is questioning your decisions on your mother's behalf, and you need his/her help to fully explain what is going on with your mom physically and mentally, and what type of facilities and services she requires to live safely and comfortably.
Even though my situation is different, I empathize with you completely. I am an only child, and my mother is 80yrs old. She had been experiencing problems with dementia, but we then found out that it was being caused by UTIs. They can totally mess up the mind of an elderly person. And the reason they get them is usually lack of efficient care by the nursing home. My mother has been left to sit ALL DAY in a soiled brief because no one would help her into the bathroom. Also they insisted she be moved for a month and a half with a hoyer lift, which only meant she was put on a bedpan. The very nature of using one of those idiotic pans almost assures a urinary tract infection.
Throughout the course of my mother's illness - she has most recently been in hospital or nursing home since October 2009 - I have found that being her advocate is a full time job. Luckily I work from home, so I can tweak my schedule to fit what needs to be done. I really don't understand - what do people who don't have anyone to advocate for them do?
At any rate, I think getting everyone in your family on the same page regarding your mother's condition and prognosis will help take some of the burden off your shoulders. They may not want to, or be able to help you by physically taking over once in a while, but at the very least the meeting should let them see and hear what you have been trying to deal with alone all this time. If after the meeting, you get the same comments and complaints, tell them you'd be happy to let them take on what they say you aren't doing right.
Don't beat yourself up. Remember if you do let everything get the best of you, you won't be able to care for yourself or your mother. I hope you can arrange to have your family meet with the social worker and that they will see you have been giving more than your fair share of care and concern to your mother, and that you can't continue to do it alone anymore.
Good luck to you. I am sending you good thoughts and blessings.

Susan of WI 5:20PM July 19, 2010

Your family members are reacting from an emotional level rather than a realistic perspective. Your mother's condition really dictates that she needs to be in an environment in which professional health care support and assistance is readily available. Assuming you are not a medical professional trained in working with dementia patients, there comes a time when you do have to make the tough decisions you have had to or will have to make -- your mother granted power of attorney to you because she trusted that you could and would make the right decisions regarding her care. Focus on what you think is best for your mother given the options available -- and giving up your life and wellbeing is not something a loving parent wants of his/her child nor is it a healthy decision for yourself. If the level of care your mother's condition requires is beyond what you can provide and there isn't anyone else stepping up to the plate, then it would be wrong to not place her in an environment where she can receive that care. To ignore the deterioration of her symptoms/condition because family members can't face the reality of what is happening to your mom, would be the wrong decision to make -- for your mother and for yourself. At the end of the day, if your decision is based on a "pure heart" -- what's best for your mother's condition -- then you can go on with a clear conscience, regardless of what other's may believe. It's hard to be at the receiving end, but you can't control what they think or say. If you know you're doing the right thing for the right reasons, as emotionally difficult as it may be, then you may have to deal with the sorrow of realizing there are people in your family who are shallow enough to disassociate from you for making the only decision available to you because they refuse to be part of the solution.

Theresa of TX 12:17PM July 17, 2010

For the woman with the evangelical brother, I would try to get the Power of Attorney away from him. If your Mother is in her right mind I would think this could be done.
For the other person who has been criticized by her family. Tell them she has taken her turn, and now they can take there turn!!!

carol of MA 10:19PM July 15, 2010

My mom is 90 years old and is in a nursing home. She has demencia and thinks she is working in a big hotel in New York City. I know that where she is is not the best, but it was the only one I could get her into. I have her name on 4 other homes and am waiting to be called. In the meantime, since I have power of attorney, I get nothing but grief from most of the family. They don't understand why mom can't come home. First of all, she needs 24 hour care and is in a wheel chair and I am 67 and need to work. Also she's in a secure unit because when the demencia gets really bad, she curses, spits, fights and hits anyone who comes close. My family is angry with me and I don't know what to do. No one has offered to take over for me, they just expect me to do the impossible. She had been in 2 different hospitals and 2 other nursing homes but they wouldn't keep her because of her behavior. Now that she seems to be somewhat settled, the family wants her moved again. I have the power to say "no", but if I do I'll probably distance myself from most of my family. What can I do to make them understand that she's as happy as she's going to be and moving her is only going to disrupt her routine and make her angry again. Any help would be appreciated.

Adrienne of FL 4:03PM July 15, 2010