Step 1: Decide if a Nursing Home Is Necessary

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my mother is 86 years old does not listen anyone she wants to continue driving and but she forgets many thing will not listen to the family. She goes the store and buys the same things over and over gets mad at the family for us telling her not to drive. Takes off to the neighborhood where she was lived when she was young. Family have moved in with her but she has thrown them out. I don't know what to do

Delma Rodriguez of TX 11:10PM May 08, 2013

I have been involved with care-giving for several elders in my family, including both my parents and my mother-in-law. There are no easy answers, but there are support systems you can set up to make your life a little easier and to help give your mother or father a better quality of life. First of all, since it is difficult for people to give up their independence or to admit they need help, you can not wait for a parent's permission to get them the services they need. In my case, I was able to buy my father several more years of independence by setting up a combination of meals on wheels, relationships with several take-out places that delivered, and hiring a home aid/companion that would come once or twice a week to take him shopping, cook a few meals, go to doctor's appts., and help do light cleaning or simply hang out and chat. I also found a local senior center that had a program that would pick him for a day care program. There was a local library that delivered books or tapes to shut-ins. And a local church that had a friendly visitors program. All of these services were originally rejected by my parents. But I knew that if I didn't set boundaries, I would become ill and burnt out and not be able to take care of myself. I made it clear that they needed to do this for me -- as well as for themselves. I let them get involved in the screening process of the home companions so that they felt more in control. In the beginning I paid the aides directly and had them reimburse me. I found that things worked better when they were not in charge of paying the person. I had to try a few different people before I found the right one, but once I did they formed an attachment and friendship. The hardest thing I did was to take away my father's car. To do this, I worked with his family doctor, and when he still resisted I simply took away his keys and told him that I could not sleep at nights thinking about him hurting himself and someone else. At another point I worked with a family doctor to have him prescribed a low dose of antidepressants/anti-anxiety medication that helped a great deal in helping him accept change and becoming more cooperative. There are no easy solutions. But if you can start to see your parent as a child that needs supervision, and not as the parent who you must always obey, it puts things in a different light. And it makes decision-making easier. And make sure to contact your local county's department for the aging. There may be social services or programs you can tap into.

Joni D of NY 11:22PM February 21, 2013

Excellent post about nursing.I liked your ideas..!!!

Arianna Christian of NY 1:01AM September 24, 2012

Taking care of aged parents is important, the dificult part is where and whic home to go and this also depends on the kind of care you want for them.
Thanks for this information, it will help.

Williams Oko 8:19AM August 11, 2012

There are some great suggestions here. I particularly agree with the recommendation about hiring a professional. While I support any family trying to care for a loved one, often for dementia and Alzheimer's care families do not fully understand what they are signing up for. Eldercare.gov is a good site, but sometimes the options are focused on general care and in some areas availability can be slow. Topalzheimercare.com is a good backup for families needing local Alzheimer's care when the government site has no immediately available options.

Bill Davidson of CA 12:03PM May 14, 2012

I wonder if there's a respite care or short term care facilities in Honolulu to give my 87 year old father a rest from looking after his unwell wife.

Marilou Creighton 10:19AM March 29, 2012

My step-dad is soon to be 93. he has heart issues but nothiing can be done for him such as surgery. He is continuously tired. My sister who is 53 and single lives with him but she is totally frustrated due to him being uncooperative. He recently had some concerning ipisodes and refused to allow my sister to take him to the hospital or call an ambulance. She called me crying and I just told her to give him some orange juice because his symptoms sounded like low blood sugar. he hadn't eaten very much that day. The orange jice helped but he went to bed. I can understand his refusal to go to the hospital because the elderly often decline very rapidly when hospitalized due to infections, etc. He generally is of sound mind, can walk and use the bathroom. He will not agree to have someone come in to check on him so it's all on my sister. He has always been very argumentative and it is wearing my sister out. She refuses to leave him alone except for when she has to work so she no longer goes anyplace although my step-Dad tells her to go. She feels like something will happen and I tell her that if something is going to happen, it will happen whether she's there or not. I tried to talk to him to make him understand that by not cooperating with her he is stressing her out badly and it is affecting her health. I am 900 miles away so there's not much I can do. If he would only give in a litlle it would make life a little easier for her. She also worrries about him having an accident as he still drives occasionally. I contacted his doctor but he didn't seem too concerned. I worry that he will have an accident and hurt someone else. I tried to find a senior center that would pick him up and take him out once or twice a week but there was nothing in his immediate area. I think that would help him a lot as he spends his days sitting and watching television all day. My sister is also in the process of tyring to put the house up for sale. She has to sell it because if Dad passes, she will not be able to keep it. The taxes in her county are very high and she doesn't make enough to pay them. They have lived in that house for as long as my sister has been alive and mot a whole lot has been done on it. It was like pulling teeth to get Dad to fork up the money to get some things fixed just to bring the house up to code. He's made it so hard for her that it amazes me that she is still there caring for him. I know things are only going to get worse and I just don't know what to do for either of them. It has made me realize that I don't want to live past my ability to care for myself. I don't wish to be a burder to anyone. My step*Dad doesn't need a nursing home yet but we need help and have no idea where to get it and even if my step-Dad will alow anyone to help him. They live in cental New Jersey.

Sharon Artimovich of GA 10:31PM February 07, 2012

Dad is 77 and a heavy drinker. He smokes heavily as well and refuses to use his cane or walker. He drives down the driveway to retrieve his mail. He doesn't eat properly - thank God for Stauffer's he says - he lives alone in a small neighborhood in the Sierra's. He is stubborn and refuses to move. Paid assistance has helped but he frets over the cost and eventually lets them go. The 4 of us kids are worried he's going to drink and drive and hurt someone or himself. Any suggestions??

Sue Speer of CA 2:21PM January 10, 2012

our country should hav a plan in effect , a national system for all, when parents
lose their mind its a nitemare for a family !!!!!!!!!!!!!!this effects everyone in the world!!!!!!!!!! and should be handled better, i did not know what the heck
to do for my dad once his mind was gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gerard of NY 3:47AM November 17, 2011