Can Mark Sanford Save His Marriage? Probably Not

Love REALITY

Helen Fisher is new to me, but she has quickly won my respect. I think her research is extremely important, even if it may conflict with other findings. Imagine if scientists refused to search for a cure for cancer on the grounds that someone may later disprove a theory?

Also...

It's in our collective interest to "decode" the workings of LOVE and SEX - two very loaded topics. This requires being clinical...and really honest with ourselves about what we want and what we do. In essence, we need to get real.

You would not invest your money based on childhood fairy tales, wishful thinking and romantic dreams. Why do that with your precious time?

I don't mean to suggest that we abandon the joy of romance! On the contrary, I'm convinced we'll have more of it if we abandon hidden agenda, religious or otherwise.

Dave

re: Low self esteem

To whomever wrote this subject: Did you ever stop to consider that maybe this woman is committed to this marriage DESPITE what her husband did to her. There is a reason that the traditional wedding vows contain "For better or FOR WORSE...TO DEATH DO US PART". Maybe she takes that seriously.

Does she have a legitimate cause for divorce? Sure. That does not mean she has no choice but to divorce. I applaud her for sticking with it this far. I hope their marriage survives this for their sake and for their children's sake.

Low Self Esteem

Why does his wife even WANT him back? He's in love with another woman, has embarassed her in public, lied to her face, and has completely disrespected her in numerous ways. Plus, if he had unprotected sex with his mistress, he has now exposed his wife to a possible HIV infection.

Her self esteem must be really, really low if she's willing to settle for this type of abuse and neglect.

LOVE

I appriciate their love. i have been looking for the true love, but i can't see it anywhere. now i learn it from sanford affair.

i respect the true love, no matter how illegal they are being.

in real life.most people have their own mistress.even they are very proud of that they have a beautiful mistress. taking their mistresses to show to their business partner.they never be blame for these affairs.people regard it as a normal thing.

You can love two at once!

You CAN deeply love two people in the romantic bonding sense. How ridiculous to pontificate otherwise! Solomon’s and other OT polygamy could add important argument for this view, but that would be a digression. Joseph Smith, as well. But to me, the most interesting example is Edward 7th. He deeply and fiercely loved Queen Alexandra but was besotted with and devoted to Mrs. Keppel. The queen knew everything, and was still very fond Mrs. K., though from a circumspect distance.

I suspect this multiple arrangement works best when the primary wife or love focus is medically or psychologically asexual, frigid, or otherwise finds sex distasteful, or only of occasional interest. Or perhaps, the male in question is demandingly hypersexual. To such a primary female companion, it’s a relief that the other woman frees her from this task. But it does not irreversibly impact on both loving the “needy” male.

Why, come to think of it, I know of maybe three cases locally where such a wife came to know of the other woman, they met and fairly quickly became the closest of friends, with both still doting on the miscreant.

Don’t forget Eleanor and Franklin. Franklin certainly loved Eleanor and several other ladies at the same time. Eleanor, had she known of current infidelity, would not have tolerated that, but contradictingly, she herself loved Franklin and Lorena at the same time, at least in sizzling letters. On the world stage, though Adolf disapproved, Benito deeply loved both his wife Rachele and his mistress Claretta. Et cetera, ad nauseum.

Govenor Stanford

good luck to Mark and Jenny. Mark ole boy you have to come home. You have to look at only one woman, Jenny. I know it will be hard but nature is on your side. men are programed to lust after good looking young women. Son if you will elimate all the other women nature will push you back to your wife. It will get a little easier as time goes on. Remember this, Jenny is human too. there are a lot of guys looking at her. Some of you best friends are checking her out. Just looking for the opertunity to knock off a piece.

Lying to ourselves, can we actually look for love?

The problem with many persons engaging in behavior that is irrational is also not understood because there is a deeper phenomena that we lie to ourselves in order to not get caught, or it seems so. Unconsciously we know that other people can sense when we are not being authentic. So the theory is that we even lie to ourselves so that we do not appear to be lying to others. In other words, we act like we are innocent to get away with behavior that is unjustified and the only way is to even deceive ourselves.

The problem with Sanford is that he is so high profile and is doubly duplicitous because he was moralizing about other high profile persons engaging in what he did. That is called hypocritical, which, according to the dictionary, means to be pretending to be virtuous. So can one even be in love with such an attitude? A good theory is that he was just looking for love and is not able to find it. Maybe knowing how to look for love is not that easy.

on target

z30 of Il is right on target with the phrase 'they would be roommates'.

I have had this effect for 3 years. My wife of 34 years left me for an internet chatroom partner. In 3 years we filed and cancelled divorce 3 times and she came back home and left again for him over 12 times. Finally after he put her in massive credit debt having her get credit cards and spending the limit on all of them and being physically abusive she returned home for now over 2 years. She said at the time she fell in love with him, but still loved me (when she came home). We are now still back together, just passed our 41st anniversary. BUT, this has turned to an obvious 'we are roommates', not husband & wife. Her favorite phrase is 'I love you, but I am not in love with you'. So should I have let her return time after time ?. Our kids thought I was nuts to do so, but I did. Their concern is after I pay off the $30k plus in bills she will just go back. I am happy to have her home and taking care of her failing health as I promised in our vows 41 years ago, but sometimes the doubt just cascades into my mind till I shake it off. And yes after all this I still love her.

NO, I don't think he can save the marriage

That would require genuine, concerted effort from both sides. I don't think he'd take his A game to the table. Oh, he'd do enough to make it work long enough to raise the kids, but the marriage itself wouldn't be saved. They would be roommates with kids. If he's a true republican, he'll probably try to 'save' the marriage. But I don't see how they will regain any part of what was lost.

Brain Science Won't Help.

Brain science won't help make a point here. The fact is we just don't understand it well enough to make any sense out of it. All it will do is confuse the issue and make many people not trust scientists when next year someone comes up with an experiment that disagrees with that one. Many couples have saved marriages after affairs. Many people have broken up marriages to be with someone else and found their life improved. Many have broken off the marriage to find it a mistake. Nothing in the brain science can argue with, or even add significantly to, that.

Even if the experimental methodology was right, they are stretching their results way beyond their limits when they say "The brain only lets you concentrate on one person at a time." Did they put people involved in decades old polygamist relationships into their brain scan to see if they are any different from monogamous married people? Clearly there is a long history of men having long term relationships with more than one woman. It is even so common that you have twice as many female ancestors as male(meaning that historically men on average either had children with two women, or none).I would be shocked if the brain chemistry was any different for polygamists. That would require two separate brain pathways which is far less likely than one pathway that works for many people.