Good Parents, Bad Results

Finally, common sense and parenting advice in the same column

As the parent of two very different, but both well behaved children I have used many of these ideas. I spank my children rarely and only for issues of outright defiance. Rewarding good behavior usually goes a lot further, but children must also know that there will be consequences for bad behavior. Not threats and yelling, but actual consequences that they must live with. Time outs, spankings, repairing damages, or sometimes just bringing to their attention the natural consequences of actions. If you say something mean, how do you think the other person feels about you?, about themselves? Do you want to be responsible for those feelings? I help them think through other ways to handle situations and I've tried to teach them to think "Is what I want to do worth facing the consequences?" With all of that consistency is the mainstay. Nothing will work if you don't stick with it.

Incorrect-

Reinforcing negative behavior is not "negative reinforcement." The "positive" and "negative" only refer to whether you're applying or removing a stimulus, not to whether the behavior you're reinforcing is positive or negative ;)

#4 Praising children

In !976 I took a course on The Art of Communication and was told never to say generic compliments to my children. The following day I announced to my 9, 10, 14 and 16 year olds I could no longer just tell them they were great kids. (This would remind them of something they had done I might not approve of!)

I now would tell them why I thought each one was great.

My 9 yr old son said, "Geepers, I can just hear you now Mom. I think you are great because, because, because----.We will have to get cue cards and hold them up like TOOK GARBAGE OUT, DIDN'T FIGHT OVER TV, DID HOMEWORK ALREADY, SET THE TABLE".

I feel very lucky my kids grew up responsible caring adults.

#4 Praising children

In !976 I took a course on The Art of Communication and was told never to say generic compliments to my children. The following day I announced to my 9, 10, 14 and 16 year olds I could no longer just tell them they were great kids. (This would remind them of something they had done I might not approve of!)

I now would tell them why I thought each one was great.

My 9 yr old son said, "Geepers, I can just hear you now Mom. I think you are great because, because, because----.We will have to get cue cards and hold them up like TOOK GARBAGE OUT, DIDN'T FIGHT OVER TV, DID HOMEWORK ALREADY, SET THE TABLE".

I feel very lucky my kids grew up responsible caring adults.

"it's in the Bible"

"....I totally agree with that because that is also written in the bible.........."

Sighs. OK, just two examples of things that are in the Bible:

* "If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town.They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard."Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. "

*"If your very own brother, or your son or daughter, or the wife you love, or your closest friend secretly entices you, saying, "Let us go and worship other gods" (gods that neither you nor your fathers have known, gods of the peoples around you, whether near or far, from one end of the land to the other), do not yield to him or listen to him. Show him no pity. Do not spare him or shield him.You must certainly put him to death. Your hand must be the first in putting him to death, and then the hands of all the people.Stone him to death, because he tried to turn you away from the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."

THESE, as well as many other things no one would condone applying literally nowadays, is also in the Bible. Would you really stone your rebellious son or your apostate spouse?

Just to clarify: I am myself a Christian. And a former victim of physical abuse (more serious than simple spankings). I am convinced that any violence is very, very wrong, and definitely never "needed".

my son

his left eye look puffy. as a single father what should i do

Very helpful tips on parenting more effectively.

I really enjoyed this article. I feel that after reading this, I gained much wisdom on ways of

being a better parent. I have 2 children diagnosed with ADHD. My son is doing pretty good this year without Adderall and my daughter takes a very low dose. I am definately going to be more consistant and offer more praise to my son. I'm always comparing him to my daughter, which isn't fair. He is his own person, and I am thankful for that.

good article about raising children

thought you might enjoy....

This article raises some good points on communication

I was raised by two wonderful parents. My mother was, by far, the disciplinarian, but my siblings and I always respected him just the same. My mother never spanked us and very rarely did she ever raise her voice. She was careful to speak to us like human beings, to let us know that she loved us even when we did something wrong, and to let us know WHAT we did wrong and why it was such a wrong thing to do. Our punishments were always specific to each of us and were generally quite brief. She made sure we understood that she is our mother and we are her children and that she had full rights to tell us how to conduct our behavior. If we were having trouble in school, instead of just flipping out, she would sit down and try to figure out what kind of trouble we were having and how we could fix it. She always listened to us, no matter how boring our talking was, and so we felt like she respected our opinions and our growing abilities to communicate. She always encouraged us in whatever we wanted to try, even if she knew ahead of time we wouldn't be successful and she was always there to help up afterward. Of course we had our problems with our parents--what kids doesn't! But I knew that parents loved me and respected me and I loved and respected them as well. I guess what I'm really getting as is that both of my parents took the TIME to parent us. We were never compared to one another or any other children and she made sure that rewards and punishments were appropriate both to the action and to the child. There was no such thing as one-size-fits-all in our house and I really appreciate the opportunity I had to become an individual and feel like I mattered, even in a busy household with two parents working full-time. I can't imagine how exhausted she must have been as we were growing up, but my parents reared up three intelligent, creative, hard-working, independent children who love and respect them very much. If that's not successful parenting, I don't know what is.

ADHD

I have a 10 yr old who has been on ritalin since 4 he cannot focus at school w/out it-he was diagnosed at 4-I have tried to let him go w/out but, he can't focus & his teachers know when he has not taken his med-he is on Focalin Xr 20 mg-He is in a private school & made the highest score of 99.7% OF 3RD-6TH-HE WILL BE IN THE 5TH GRADE NOW. i HATE THE MEDS FOR HIS ADHD BUT, W/O HE CANNOT FUNCTION-I wonder if this will have to be a lifetime med but, I see no options-I feel for the. 19 yr old grandson. I love my son and he needs this stimulant unfortuntely.